“Carrot hair!”, “big pole”, “winky”, the nicknames that children give each other are sometimes far from tender and can give rise to certain complexes. So, what should you say to a self-conscious child? When should you worry?
Teeth considered too large or too forward, glasses a little too imposing, small or on the contrary large size… As soon as they enter primary school, some children begin to express suffering in relation to particularities of their physique. Often singled out by their classmates, these criticisms conveyed by others can be virulent and give rise to real physical complexes in them. The child may then find himself “ugly”, “unsightly”, but also “different” and “not within the norm”. Child and adolescent psychologist Joseph Content gives us his advice to help his child accept himself as he is.
At what age can a child become self-conscious?
Before the age of 7, the child does not always manage to demonstrate a critical outlook about himself and his peers. After this age, he develops self-awareness allowing him to judge his physique and that of others. He becomes more attentive to the image he reflects, points out the physical differences of children his age, can compare himself and want to be “like the others”. Especially since “the complex always arises from the gaze of others“, affirms Joseph Content, “a look that is not always easy to accept, especially when it does not correspond to the person we would like to be“.
What do these complexes reflect?
Beyond physical disgrace strictly speaking, the complex is indicative of a “psychological vulnerabilitye” and “a lack of self-confidence“points out the psychologist. Added to this are the beauty standards and trends conveyed by society, the media and social networks. And confronted with the ideals and stereotypes of society, the child will then form a representation of what to do, be or wear to be within the norm and to be accepted. From the moment someone makes a derogatory remark about his appearance, he may then ask himself questions: “if I don’t respond to such a code, I am certainly not normal and I will be rejected by my classmates“. So, “the quest for normality is so strong that it will give rise to one or more physical complexes in him which can alter his perception and his self-esteem.”explains Joseph Content. Another possible influence, “children who hear their parents talk about their own physical complexes develop according to the idea that they must conform to the standards disseminated by the media“, also warns the expert.
Self-conscious child: what to avoid saying
“Mom, I have buck teeth!”, “Dad, everyone calls me binoculars at school”… Faced with their child’s discomfort, parents may tend to alleviate his or her suffering or deny it and act as if it had no reason to exist. Reactions that are useless and not beneficial for the child. On the contrary, the psychologist advises parents to “listen to the child” and “invite him to verbalize his emotions around this suffering“. However, avoid stigmatizing wording such as “My poor thing, you’re out of luck” Or “don’t worry, it will be fine“: in addition to suffering from his complex, the child will feel misunderstood and helpless. In the same way, pitying him would risk accentuating his pain or embarrassment about the physical defect.
The best way to react to a child who is self-conscious about their body
To help him accept this physical peculiarity, the best is to appeal to the child’s attachment figures : singers, series characters or athletes that he likes and with whom he can easily identify. By trying to tap into the child’s history, you will help him transform what the child experiences as a weakness into a real asset. Concretely, if your child is teased because of his freckles or his tall height, take the example of a popular star with the same physical characteristics and prove to him that he is far from being the only one to have this physical characteristic and that he can even play it. Reassure him by talking to him about your own experience and explaining to him that we all have our own physical characteristics and that it’s normal to have them: “it is moreover these particularities which allow us to build ourselves as a unique person“, wants to reassure the psychologist, before adding “that over time, we ourselves are capable of transforming a difference into real quality”.
Without going so far as to change what shouldn’t be (doing a dye, considering a nose job, etc.), you can try to blur the object of disgrace, which will help him feel more confident and more comfortable with his appearance. When possible, opt for another pair of glasses, get braces, or offer anti-acne treatment. Finally, you can help him deal with teasing or insults from other children by giving him some answers as well as the tools to have the right attitude. While explaining to him that children generally make fun because they are afraid of difference, Joseph Content invites the child to appeal to the empathy of others telling him “would you like me to make fun of you?” or “what would you say if I made a comment to you about your physique?“: this will allow it to have a better distribution. And if the expression “you can’t please everyone” sounds obvious, it also allows us to put the negative judgments of others into perspective.
