“I won’t make it”, “it’s going to go badly” are phrases that should be put out of your mind.
Performance anxiety is a form of anxiety that can be found at all levels, not just in sexuality. It is expressed by a fear of failure that develops when approaching situations where performance is assessed (exams, job interviews, public speaking, sports competitions). We can all be confronted with it occasionally, in which case it is not worrying.Things get complicated when anxiety escalates to the point of becoming overwhelming and debilitating in daily life.notes Floriane Meyer, sexologist and clinical psychologist. Performance anxiety can be accompanied by different symptoms such as: increased heart rate, trembling, blushing, headaches, or intrusive or pessimistic thoughts such as “I won’t be able to do it”, “it’s going to go badly”“.”
She can affect both women and men. In the area of sexuality, performance anxiety is the demand that oneself have great sexual abilities or expect something very great from sexuality.This form of anxiety often results from a false belief that we have about sexuality. And for good reason, we live in a hyper-sexualized society, strongly influenced by pornography, even when we do not consume it,” deciphers the specialist. The man puts pressure on himself to be up to the task, to give his partner as many orgasms as possible, to give her excellent foreplay, or to have the most sexual conquests.The more anxious and focused the person is on sexual performance, the more they will be faced with performance anxiety and risk developing sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction, ejaculation disorder or difficulty having an orgasm when they had no problems originally.” warns Floriane Meyer.
Do I feel good in my current relationship?
All men are likely to experience erectile difficulties because many factors can intervene (fatigue, stress, depression, drug treatment, consumption of alcohol or psychoactive substances). However, in reality, sexuality is not always as we would like it to be.For men, not being able to get an erection even once, even occasionally, can be a major source of stress. It directly affects their self-image, their ability to perform and their ability to give pleasure. It is important to try to put these occasional moments into perspective, which may not be desired, but are in no way abnormal or dramatic.“, analyzes the specialist. Here is her advice to de-stress and find satisfying sexual relations:
► Deconstructing your beliefs: Information is the first lever to reclaim one’s sexuality, and to have knowledge about what is really happening, outside of pornography, which has a strong influence on our representations of sexuality and which feeds many false beliefs.For example, vaginal orgasm through penetration is represented as the norm of a privileged sexual schema but it is out of step with reality. Many women do not reach orgasm through penetration alone,” illustrates the sexologist.
► Make a check-up: Just because you can’t get an erection once doesn’t mean it’s worrying and will happen again, reassures our interlocutor. On the other hand, if the difficulty is recurring, it’s worth asking yourself about its possible causes: am I tired at the moment, stressed? Do I feel good in my current relationship? It can also be useful to take stock of your health with your doctor because certain pathologies such as diabetes can also affect erections.
► Putting things into perspective: “The idea is to push the anxiety to the end of the scenario. What will happen in the worst case? This allows you to put things into perspective and realize that by pushing the disaster scenario to its extreme, it is not so dramatic after all.” says Floriane Meyer.
► Talk about it: It is also crucial to talk about it with your partner to take stock, calm your anxiety and realize that the pressure you put on yourself is excessive or out of step with her experience, which is very intimate with us.If the man finds himself in difficulty, he will live in apprehension and enter a vicious circle, the brain will secrete cortisol, the stress hormone, before the start of intercourse and affect the blood flow, which will reduce the chances of having an erection.“, warns the sexologist. Talking about it with your partner often helps to calm things down.
► Moving away from the problem: It is essential that our brain, which reacts in case of stress, does not start to directly associate any moment of sexual intimacy as a moment of stress. It is necessary to preserve moments of intimacy without stress that can be pleasant and enjoyable. For example, if a man suffers from erectile dysfunction, he may decide to keep moments of intimacy without penetration, so as not to be subjected to this stress. Since it is often complicated to untangle things alone, it may be useful to consult a sexologist to understand the origins of this anxiety or what can fuel it.
