Generally, people who are often on the defensive have grown up with unstable parents …
All the time can, at some point in your life, have a defensive behavior. “”To be on the defensive is to defend yourself against what seems to be a threat or an attack when it is not justified. Metaphorically, rather than listening to the other with an open heart and spirit, we react by raising a shield and brandishing a weapon before even the slightest sign of adversity was revealed“, Illustrates Dr. Robert Taibbi, clinical psychologist. It is a defense mechanism that many people have, especially at work, with his hierarchy or in the private sphere with his friends, family or couple. Behind this hostile attitude In appearance harmlessly hide deeper wounds.
Generally, people who are often on the defensive have grown up with unstable parents, in other words, parents Unpredictable, emotionally immature, which may have had disproportionate and/or excessive reactions (criticism, repeated denigration) in the face of situations that did not justify it. “To cope with the waves of emotional violence experienced during their childhood, these people had no choice only to close on themselves,” walk on eggs “and put themselves in a final position to manage The unpredictability of their parents’ emotions.“, He continues in his column published on Psychology Today. In short, it is a reaction developed in response to insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.
This reaction scheme that was able to operate during childhood, no longer works in adulthood because it makes us feel like an injured child and that generates frustration and resentment, two feelings that damage any relationship. According to the work of psychologist John Gottman, the defensive attitude would also be part of the 4 communication habits linked to an increased probability of divorce (the other 3 being criticism, contempt and avoidance).
When this defensive behavior occurs, it should be realized that his “emotional” brain is blocking his “rational” brain. Generally, this is the moment when we speak stronger, faster, evoking things from the past (“a year ago, it happened” or “it’s like the day you have said that “), cutting the floor or flouting. It is advisable to breathe deeply and try to put your “rational” online brain by focusing on objective facts and not on feelings. If necessary, you can ask your interlocutor a moment of break to step back, calm down emotionally and return to the discussion in a healthier way. “”A brief individual therapy (or couple therapy) can also help regulate emotions and cure old well -established wounds“Concludes the expert.
