Dear Nicola, when children get a sibling it is often not that easy. What reactions are there? What do parents need to know?
Every child reacts differently, which depends particularly on the age at which they have a sibling. The most important thing for us parents is to know that it is normal for many children to regress. This means that they may want to be held again, are no longer dry, want to be treated like a baby. You can forget about developmental steps that you have actually already taken, such as getting dressed on your own, for a while. As parents, we often have the impulse to say:
But you’re the big kid now! You can do it!
However, exactly the opposite is helpful: if the supposedly big child experiences that he is allowed to take these steps backwards, he is greatly helped. So we play baby – and know that this too will pass.
What factors determine how strongly a child reacts?
It depends heavily on the age gap between the siblings, this is what the research tells us, which I presented in my book “Siblings as a Team”. If I am still extremely dependent on my attachment figure at two years old, an even more dependent infant hits me particularly hard. It also depends on the child’s temperament. Some children are able to put their needs aside very well at the age of two, others find it much more difficult and need more time.
Circumstances also play a role. If my main caregiver disappears from the scene for three weeks after the baby arrives because she suddenly has to go to the hospital, that can be stressful for the children.
What exactly can parents do to prepare children?
We should definitely provide a lot of help, especially in the early stages, so that the children’s main caregiver does not become overwhelmed by having to care for a regressing toddler and a needy infant. This creates stress and a bad mood – that’s not nice for everyone. We should also explain the situation to the child from his perspective: you are going to be a big sister or big brother. Instead of: Mom and Dad are having another baby. It also helps not to sugarcoat anything:
Babies are a lot of work and need a lot of attention, but we can manage it.
We are honest but confident, we involve the child but keep the responsibility with us. If possible, we let the child help decide or choose things and, as early as possible, we don’t talk about “the baby”, but rather about a little person who perhaps already has a name or about “your brother/sister”.
What can you do if the crisis is severe despite all the preparation?
The most important thing is understanding the big child. Wherever possible, we should make it clear to him that we understand his situation and are with him.
Then there are very practical things: while we are breastfeeding the baby, we can communicate quietly with the older child using hand signals so that the baby falls asleep. A classic is particularly important: If the baby has to sleep and the older child has to be quiet, we have to be very understanding if he or she just can’t suppress the impulse to be loud. No matter how sensible it seems, we just can’t expect it from a toddler.
We should always communicate to the big child that it is also important:
Listen, your little brother is crying and needs me, come on, let’s go there together, I don’t want to just leave you alone.
Or: “Your little sister is calling for us, but I don’t think it’s that urgent yet. We’ll both finish this now, I think she can wait that long.” This way the child experiences that he or she still has an important place in the family
You already said to get help. How can the environment specifically support you?
At species-appropriate we call it the village, and this species-appropriate village can support us a lot! All of these people should be completely there for the big child, be able to play with him, be able to tolerate the fact that he wants to be little and is perhaps needy and vulnerable, whiny and angry in this phase. Understanding big people who don’t say: “Now you’re a big brother, pull yourself together!” But rather: “I understand how you feel, come into my arms, we’ll do something particularly beautiful”, are worth their weight in gold.
Does this phase play a role in the later sibling relationship?
Of course! If you ask adults with siblings, they can all more or less remember the feeling that someone else was suddenly there, even if they were still very small.
If I was able to go through this phase protected and well accompanied, with the secure feeling that I was allowed to develop at my own pace despite the little sibling, then children can come out of it stronger. But if I had to cut back too much and wasn’t ready for it, traces of it remain. Many adults today are still either angry with their little siblings because they suddenly had to share their main caregiver, or they love each other very much because they got through this first phase well (or worked it out later). In my species-appropriate books there is the parental law of conservation of energy and it says: It is always worth investing energy in children at an early stage, as it pays off in the long term. That also applies here.
Siblings still have each other long after we are no longer parents, and research shows that they grow older healthier and happier if they have been able to develop a close, sustainable relationship. The thought of my children giving each other warmth and support and sticking by each other when I have long since turned to dust is what made me write this book – it is the most beautiful thing I can imagine.
That’s correct. That’s a nice thought! Thank you, Nicola!
Photo: Jess Zoerb
