Being “secretive” often reflects much deeper psychological mechanisms than a simple desire for mystery. With the insight of psychologist Dana Castro, discover what is really happening behind these silences.
Mystery is sometimes charming, but when it becomes a systematic habit, it ends up intriguing or even annoying. Behind these silences there are often several reasons. First, in psychology, being “secretive” is not a simple character trait, it is often a shield. As psychologist Dana Castro explains to us, this silence can arise from a desire to “lying for opportunistic purposes or because we believe that by hiding the truth, we protect others”. In this case, we keep our information to ourselves as a precious treasure to “stay in control”: if others know nothing, they cannot use anything against us. We can also remain silent out of pure kindness, so as not to worry those close to us with a difficult truth. We then see ourselves as a protector who alone carries a weight to spare others.
Behind this silence there is also often a fear of not being good enough. We can keep silent because of “low self-esteem”. We then carefully sort what we say to “cover up what you think is bad in yourself and give a better image“, continues the psychologist. It’s a bit like wearing a perfect mask: we show the beautiful side of our life and we hide the rest for fear of being judged or rejected. Third, this behavior can also come from our childhood. If we grew up in a family where “dirty laundry is washed in the family“, confiding in is by nature forbidden. We do not hide things out of malice, but by reflex, to remain faithful to the rules of our “tribe”.
Fourth, we may keep things to ourselves simply because we have lost the habit of arguing. Dana Castro explains to us that we can “no need to confide because we get involved in other activities: sport, TV series…”. By spending time on a screen or in leisure activities, dialogue with others becomes less natural. We don’t try to exclude the other, we just forget to tell them about our day because we are too absorbed in our own activities. Silence then sets in simply out of habit.
Psychology ultimately reminds us that not everything needs to be shared to love each other. Dana Castro insists “the importance of the secret garden”this little territory where we say to ourselves: “these things only belong to me”. This garden is vital to feeling free and existing on your own. It allows you to maintain a level of privacy that no one can control. This is what helps us to be a whole person, without depending solely on the views of others.
