There are solutions to protect yourself.
We all know a person whose behavior seems “toxic” to us. A person is not going to be toxic in all situations or all forms of interaction. Toxicity has more to do with a certain type of behavior that will arise in a specific relational dynamic than with the person in themselves. It is therefore more appropriate to speak of toxic behavior than toxic, explains Daniela Silva Moura, Doctor of Psychology and Clinical Psychopathologies, author of the better I know myself, better I take care of myself (ed. Book mail).
To protect yourself, it is necessary to learn to identify toxic behaviors. “”It can be a person who gives us constant criticisms, who lowers us or minimizes our emotions constantly, who invalid them. It can also be manipulation (the other uses guilt, lie or intimidation to be right or obtain what he wants), lack of respect for our limits and our needs, whether they are emotional or physical, while considering that his needs and limits are much more important than ours. In contact with a person who adopts this type of behavior, we feel a exhaustion effect, a empty summer feeling. We do not feel heard, to the point of doubting his own emotions or his ability to discern“, describes the psychologist.
Once these behaviors have been identified, it must be accepted that this dynamic is problematic and not try to know how responsible we are or not, it is just a mode of operation which, in our dynamics, does not work. “”It is essential to keep in mind that people give in the relationship what they are able to give. What does not work with us may work with others but that is not a reason to persist and be suffered“Recalls Daniela Silva Moura.
Strengthen your self -esteem makes it possible not to depend on the validation of these people
Before setting limits with this type of people, it is important to choose what is essential for us to preserve: is that our inner peace? Our values? Our time? Our energy? “”If we choose to improve our inner peace, we can start by identifying what are the interactions and the types of interactions that will harm our well-being. If we favor our values, we must be able to define what is non -negotiable for us in terms of values. Ditto for time and energy by determining what are the behaviors and expectations that exhaust us unnecessarily“, Develops our interlocutor. Then, we must learn to express themselves with clarity using assertive, non -aggressive but firm sentences, such as” Jhe prefers not to talk about this now“If the person insists on a trap subject that we do not want to speak for example. If the person tries to overcome our limits, we must repeat them calmly, have the courage to do it and remember that to ask limits is not an act of aggression but an act of protection of oneself.
Emotional distancing should also be practiced: this type of person seeks to provoke emotion. The more emotional reactions we have, the more it will activate this dynamic. The psychologist suggests imagining a barrier between us and the words of the other remembering that what the other tells is a projection of his own way of perceiving the world, his own way of perceiving himself, of her own system of values, and that it has nothing to do with us. Strengthening your self -esteem makes it possible not to depend on the validation of these people: self -esteem must exist and cultivate within oneself. “”If we depend on the outside look, we become vulnerable and our esteem, our image, becomes just as unstableexplains Daniela Silva Moura. It is necessary to carry out a work of recognition of your own values, to remember your successes.. “.
We can also reduce the frequency and intensity of interactions with this person, avoiding situations where we are forced to spend a lot of time with them. The idea is to define a framework in order to limit our exchanges to neutral or professional subjects. Finally, it is important to learn to say no, to politely refuse but firmly to participate in discussions or in activities that make us uncomfortable and which are not fundamental to us.
