March 19, Father’s Day. But who are modern fathers? What role do they have in raising their children? Daniele Novara, one of the best-known pedagogists in Italy and author of the book The plush daddy is useless, he doesn’t mince words: “We have gone from the master father to the plush father, so soft as to be useless.”
What is it like to be a dad today?
“Complex. Many parents reject the patriarchal culture they have inherited, but today it is difficult for an innovative father figure to emerge. Doing the opposite of the “master father” is an apparently easy but insidious path, only the side of the coin changes: we have gone from the father who punished, so much so that anyone who didn’t hit was considered negligent, to the plush father: to a secondary figure, harmless and therefore useless”.
Who are the plush fathers?
«Soft, tender fathers. But you don’t educate by being playmates, doing so only creates paternal orphanhood. In the parents I meet I perceive a lot of fear of setting limits. The master father was wrong but so is the plush father: the lack of the father as an educational figure makes the children lose the sense of limits.”
What are the warning signs?
«Excess confidence first and foremost. For example, still sleeping in the bed at 5 years old or going into the bathroom when a parent is already there. In the evening, let the children play instead of putting them to sleep. When there is no educational distance one becomes a playful configuration and to regain authority one is forced to get angry, becoming a screaming parent. Today it is considered normal for the father to act as a friend, to be jovial, but these attitudes are not useful in growing up.”
Which dads do kids need?
«Of fathers capable of giving a sense of limits, certainly with fields of autonomy and freedom appropriate to age».
In practice, what should the father do?
«Encourage to face life and its challenges, to do it yourself, to get involved. Limits and courage go hand in hand. Do you know the game “fly, fly”? The father throws the child into the air and then catches him flying. It’s a game but also a metaphor for life: go, I’m here.”
How much does the maternal figure weigh in this dynamic?
«Very much. Mothers are still there today factotum of families. And they are the most indolent compared to their fathers: they don’t trust them, they tend to manage everything on their own. How many fathers go to interviews with teachers? Often the mother sets the rules and the father doesn’t even know them, as if he were another child. It is a wrong trend, especially when the children are teenagers.”
What advice would you give to parents?
«We need shared educational parenting. The father must not impose himself but propose himself to the mother to decide the rules together and therefore play the game together.”
What do you think of the compulsory paternity leave bill, which was rejected last February?
«The government made a mistake, leave would be very important even if the father cannot replace the mother in the first year of life. There is another aspect of fatherhood that I would like to underline…”.
Please..
“In the event of separation of parents, it is essential that fathers and mothers establish together the times and educational plan for their children: 5 or 6 basic intentions, so as to maintain the parent in his educational role.”
What would you say to dads today, on their celebration day?
«You are not babysitters, you believe in your role as new fathers».
