The first ruptures are painful moments for adolescents, but also essential to mature. The advice of Virginie Bapt, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst specializing in adolescence.
Your teenager locks himself in his room and no longer wants to get out, he sobs on the phone, feels guilty, feels no or abandoned, refuses to speak, loses appetite and finds pleasure in nothing? He is certainly living his First love sorrow… Or one of the following! This almost compulsory step of human life, painful and cruel, often leaves parents in a feeling of helplessness in the face of their grieving child. Virginie Bapt, Psychotherapist and author of the Parents Book Listening for fulfilled children, at Editions Leduc, gives us some advice to better support her in this test of life.
She advises first of all “not to project his memories of love sorrow on what is living her child“. Admittedly, what he lives can send us back, as a parent, to all the heartbreaking sensations that we have been able to experience before, but we must try to”Stay focused on the pain of your child being attentive, without putting anything that belongs to our own story, unless the child asks you questions“, Specifies the expert. She especially recommends respecting and taking seriously her sentence, her silence and her discomfort. Even if that does not mean that”The adolescent must impose his rules and that the whole house must live at the time of his heartache“, Specifies Virginie Bapt before adding that “The family continues to operate with the same rules as before, while listening to what the adolescent is experiencing”. This balance is also a benchmark for the young person who will realize that around him, everything remains stable.
The first ruptures are moments when parents must accept not to be all-powerful. They can then feel “helpless and distraught in the face of such a penalty“. Let them be reassured,”Love sorrow is a rite of passing in adulthood“, Specifies the specialist. And too much to console his child, because we no longer want him to suffer, is a way to show him that he does not feel him ready or not mature enough to face this. On the contrary, make him understand that he is capable of this even if this period will certainly be very painful, that you will be there for him and above all, show him that you have”fully confidence in the resources he will set up to overcome his pain.“.
Finally, listening without obliging him to tell you is the most beneficial attitude for your child who will feel understood: if he feels the desire to talk to you about it, he will do it himself. Furthermore, love sorrow is the result of a “Social confrontation“: We were seduced by someone who is part of his circle of friends, which we met at school or during an extra-curricular activity for example. And the adolescent does not necessarily need to confide in his parents, on the contrary,”It is his friendly or social environment (educators, teachers, big brothers or sisters, etc.) will help him recover from esteem or hope“. In this context, the word of a parental figure will not have the same weight as that of a friend. It is even in these moments that he will be able to build and consolidate friendships, gain self-confidence and develop his autonomy. In short, the first sorrow of love is painful, but”Useful, because it helps to mature and allows you to learn from your mistakes.“”
