The mental burden most often falls on women, especially mothers. An expert gives the sentence that can change everything to better distribute it between the two parents.
A schedule to keep and a list of things to do, this is how we could sum up a good part of the mental load linked to family life. And, even if they sometimes observe a slight improvement, all studies agree to say that this weight still mainly falls on women in heterosexual couples.
When she became a mother, journalist Dara Katz very quickly felt the weight of this mental burden. “Managing your own life is one thing – even with a demanding pet. But running a household? That’s a whole different story. Of course, you can delegate shopping, cleaning, laundry, even organization. But everything invisible, everything intangible, falls to the people who live within these four walls. And that’s where the family calendar comes in. Whether it exists solely in the heads of you and your spouse, on a large calendar hanging in the entryway, or on a shared agenda, the comings and goings of family life need to be organized.”she writes on Purewow. And she noticed, like the vast majority of mothers, that she was the only one to manage this organization in the family.
Dara Katz therefore sought to know how to share the organization with her husband in order to relieve her. Because the problem is that, even if he contributes to certain tasks, it is still up to her to ask him to do something, to remind him, to explain to him when/how to do it, etc. To change this, she sought the help of Dr. Zelana Montminy, an expert in behavioral science, who advised her to say a simple sentence to her partner: “Can you take the lead mentally on this one?” She explains that, very often, “the invisible mental load is not limited to planning, it also consists of carrying the weight of responsibility on oneself”. With this question, we are not simply delegating the task to the other, we are transferring the responsibility to them. “It means: I trust you to take on this responsibility, not just to execute it. This simple change in wording can rebalance the mental load and create a true partnership”according to the specialist.
So the journalist implemented this advice one day when she felt overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done. Dara Katz used the phrase mentioned above, and it worked: “I wasn’t the only one with the to-do list on my mind; he was the referent. It was a small change, but it was like a breath of fresh air.”. And one small change can lead to another, by communicating with your partner, explaining that sharing the organization alleviates anxiety and stress, and allows you to better manage what needs to be done.
