Your value does not depend on that of others, recalls our psychologist.
To make yourself “walk on it” is to have the impression that you never listen to you, that you abuse your kindness or that you make decisions for you. For our psychologist, Maïté Tranzer, the good news is that there are simple keys to learn to assert itself, without feeling guilty or crush others. Before changing behavior, you have to observe and learn to (well) get to know each other. The first thing is to identify the situations where you erase: when do you feel “crushed”? What are the people who exceed your limits? Is it more at work, in your family, with your friends, in your couple? Try to remember one or two recent situations in which you said “yes” when you thought “no”. “”Here, work on oneself and introspection act as a mirror and give the means to understand why we act, think or feel as we do: this is the starting point for any lasting change “, explains the clinical psychologist.
Many people let themselves be “walking on it” for fear of displeasing, passing for a selfish (e) or being rejected. However, your value does not depend on that of others and you have the right to have needs, limits and preferences. So saying “no” is not a lack of kindness. Is to respect yourself. Of course, the way of expressing things is of great importance. “”It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say: talk more slowly if you are used to talking quickly, look at your interlocutor in the eyes, stand straight, even if you tremble a little inside“, She advises.
And if the word “no” seems too categorical to you, you can simply say: “I understand but I prefer not to get involved on it”. This is the kind of sentence that a person sure of herself and confident uses. We do not become asserted overnight: it takes time and especially practice. When the opportunity arises, try to go beyond your fears. “”We can start for example sending a dish that does not suit us at the restaurant “. Even if the person opposite seems “crumpled” or disturbed, this does not question the legitimacy of your feelings.
Sometimes being accompanied by a professional (psychologist, coach, therapist …) makes it possible to better understand his deep mechanisms and to learn to lay down his limits with more clarity and serenity.
