How to react when her child locks himself in his room and the tone rises? Matthieu Melchiori, author of “Parents, teenagers, we relax!” Gives us his advice to defuse the most conflicting situations.
During the transition to adolescence, children faced many changes. They assert themselves, build, test the limits, and are looking for discoveries. For their part, the parents, then realizing that their “baby” becomes an adult, they put a different look at him. Also, this transition period can sometimes be experienced with difficulty. Young people tend to provoke, to rebel, to lock themselves in their room by slamming the doors, while the parents seek to establish their authority to be respected, but everyone finally feels helpless. To facilitate communication and better understand his teenager, Matthieu Melchiori, educational advisor and author of the book “Parents, teens, we relax!“At Flammarion editions, gives us his advice.
1 – Preserve exchange spaces
In a conflict situation, some parents, feeling disarmed, tend to avoid discussing and fleeing the problem. Do not react immediately can actually be a good solution: it gives time to breathe, think and worsen the situation. “”But it is essential to come back, a little later, on what happened. There will then be a good chance for the context is a little more favorable and that everyone can get alongadvises Matthieu Melchiori. Communicating is to speak, but it is also to get along“, He recalls.
2 – Parental coherence
“Parents should only speak in a voice. Do not let your adolescent imagine that one of the parents tells the truth and that the other says false, because it creates insecurity. In the event of disagreements, it is essential that exchanges between parents are done outside the presence of the child”, specifies Matthieu Melchiori in his book.
3 – The “no”, non -negotiable
If there are phases of negotiations that allow you to learn to listen to, exchange to make decisions together, it is necessary to keep when necessary, especially when the situation seems to represent a danger for the child. “”It is accepting to have a slightly harder exchange with your child, without any possible negotiation stage“. In this case, the parent can say to his teenager, “It’s no, and even if you would give me arguments, I can explain to you why I say no. However, I will not come back to this decision.”
4 – Encourage your child
While your relationships are conflicting, it happens that he or she surprises you: he/she spontaneously offers you her help at home? Does he/she show maturity? If your teenager makes efforts, do not hesitate to show him that you appreciated his approach. The fact of taking a step forward must be underlined and congratulated. “”The change is sometimes long, it is necessary to take the time to consider situations and accept that the days do only 24 hours“, Adds the specialist. In addition, if the parents forget to compliment their teenager, the latter will have the impression of always doing badly in their eyes, since they point the finger at what is wrong.
5 – Consider him as an individual
“”Teens are above all individuals, both singular and filled with resources. They can have disturbing attitudes, but when we approach them as an individual, most of the time, it works“.
6 – Communicate, on a daily basis
It is essential to continue to maintain a link with your child, even if he does not seem open to discussion. While respecting his intimacy, toquez to his door to wish him a good night. If he returns from school his nose on his mobile phone, rather than pointing out to him that he seems “still upset”, ask him how his day went … “We give little sentences, who say “I know you’re there, I’m glad you got home, and if you need, I’m available”, advises the author of the book. Moreover, “There is no point in lending his teenagers that are not necessarily the ones they feel or those on which he does not manage to put words himself. In addition, at this age, he is often on edge, and we don’t really know what he is going through “he adds.
7 – Cannabis, cigarettes, bad frequentations … How to manage?
First of all, do not put the fault on the friends. The child himself chooses an experiment, and this can stop there. “”It is obviously out of the question to tolerate this type of consumption, but it is not because you have decided to decree it that this will solve the problem“, Specifies Matthieu Melchiori. Which is also important,”It is to open our home to other comrades in his class, in order to have knowledge of the relationships that the young person can have. And take an interest in friends, ask for their news from time to time. This will promote location in a benevolent way, avoiding interrogation. And why not enter into contact with the parents, by proposing to accompany them during an outing. Thus, rather than judging and controlling, it is a way of taking an interest in its frequentations“He explains.
What to do or avoid:8 – Do not enclose the child in a negative representation By giving him the impression of accusing him. The child will obviously need to defend himself. You have to understand what is playing behind its actions. 9 – Guess And all these very large gestures which give excess of exchanges, and which very often, risk transforming the situation into conflict. 10 – No need to want to settle everything at the same time. Better to prioritize what to resume with your teenager. |
