Many parents think they will do what is necessary as long as everything is running smoothly at home. However, a failed act can leave a lasting mark on a child. And, it escapes even the most attentive families.
We know that the brain records what happens, not what is missing. If you are asked to tell a story from yesterday, you will find one. But, if you’re asked to name something that didn’t happen, it’s immediately murkier. Our memory works like this: it retains events, not absences. It is this principle which has led researchers to look at everything which, during childhood, could have a significant impact.
Indeed, according to research published in the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, many adults say they grew up in a warm environment, without any particular difficulties. Nothing traumatic, nothing spectacular. However, they sometimes describe themselves as incomplete, too hard on themselves, incapable of understanding the origin of persistent discomfort. They blame themselves for not being “enough” or for being “too much”, without finding any support in their memories. They then conclude that the problem comes from them, since they do not identify any significant situation that would explain these feelings.
However, certain everyday scenes are enough to explain where these discomforts come from. For example, when a child comes home from school dragging his feet a little, the first thoughts that cross an adult’s mind are: he had a complicated day, a small conflict, a disappointing result, in short, the normal life of a child. Then, at home, the rhythm continues. No one really notices the child’s state, and he doesn’t insist. However, when this type of situation is repeated, it can result in a real lack in one’s inner construction. In other words, neglecting your children’s emotions, not identifying them, validating them, or giving them space, is a significant error. This will tend to have repercussions in adulthood, which is why being aware of it already allows you to break the cycle and provide a better environment for your children.
This mechanism can even continue from one generation to the next. An adult who has never learned to spot certain signals in themselves will struggle to spot them in their children. Not because of a lack of interest, but because he didn’t have a model to do it with. The phenomenon will then recur almost automatically. It is therefore necessary to remain vigilant.
