In chats as in the playground, when it comes up, there are always those who are shocked, those who see nothing wrong and those who get angry because “now there are rules for being a parent too”: saying “I love you” to your children, as well as giving them kisses on the mouth, is one of those topics that periodically spark discussion. But is it appropriate or not to address your children with the same language you use with your partner? We ask the pedagogist Daniele Novara.
Novara, can you say “I love you” to your children?
«No, personally I have always supported the need to stop using boyfriend terms with children. After three years it is absurd, it is a violation of children’s rights.”
Why would this be a violation of children’s rights?
«Because children have the right to their own autonomy, not to live in an infinitely protracted maternal symbiosis. From 4 years onwards it is essential to stop it, as well as to make them sleep in their own bed: it should not be done. I want you, I love you, I love you they are dangerous expressions, because they have semantic relevance for boyfriends.”
What dangers do you see for raising children?
«An excessive attachment is established, I see the risk of an Oedipal misunderstanding. When the child gloats in the oedipal sentimental bond with mom and dad, this could be a prelude to subsequent processes of isolation. I try to explain: if my mother wants me as a boyfriend, why do I have to go and play with other children? Indeed, there could be damage to the growth process: children must not end up stuck in a morbid bond with their parents, antithetical to the need for social discovery and socialization.”
Many parents see nothing wrong with using this love language with their children…
«Today there are many “do it yourself” parents who would like to do as they happen with the idea that in the end it is always about love! Instead the parent should feel called to do the right thing, not to do the thing he likes.”
What, then, are the appropriate words to express feelings to children?
«Parents can find nicknames or use endearments and diminutives. “Puppy”, “little mouse” or others are fine, while “darling” and “love” are not, they are terms for boyfriends”.
One could argue “words don’t count as much as feelings”, is that right?
«Be careful, there is a big difference. Feeling is the basis, the motivation that leads to having children. Education is something completely different: it is an organizational fact, there are decisions to be made and growth phases to be followed. Parents need to free themselves from DIY. The goal is to offer a normal, not perfect, education.”
