Did you think you knew everything about your couple’s finances? Maybe not. Financial infidelity is the act of deliberately concealing a money-related reality from your partner : a secret bank account, a hidden debt, systematically discounted purchases… And contrary to what one imagines, the phenomenon is widespread. According to a study by the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) published in 2021, 43% of Americans in relationships with pooled finances have already committed some form of financial infidelity.
If this data comes from the United States, where the subject is more studied, there is no reason to believe that French couples are exempt. “In my practice, it is common to see people hiding purchases, minimizing their spending or hide certain financial difficulties »says Boris Charpentier, psychologist and coach. However, the term “financial infidelity” remains little known in France, and the phenomenon largely underestimated, since it touches on two taboo subjects at the same time: money, and lies.
Finding the line between secret garden and deception
But above all, we must keep in mind that not everything hidden is financial infidelity in itself. The psychologist makes the distinction clearly: “In a couple, everyone legitimately maintains a form of financial autonomy. Having a personal account, making a pleasure purchase without realizing it or having individual savings does not necessarily constitute a problem”it’s even quite normal. What makes you fall into deception is quite simply the intention.
“We enter into financial infidelity when information is deliberately hidden because we know that it would influence the decisions of his partner or that it would risk provoking disagreement”he specifies. In other words, the criterion is not what is hidden, but Why. Boris Charpentier summarizes the principle as follows: “It is not secrecy that destroys trust, it is the intention to circumvent the other’s opinion. »
You should also know that in France, each spouse has the right to open a bank account in their name alone. without the consent of the other. But this does not erase the obligations weighing on the community: if the spouses are married under the legal regime, the sums resulting from salaries and earnings are presumed to be joint. In the event of divorce, a notary can have access to all accounts via the FICOBA application, and hiding funds can go so far as to constitute the offense of judgment fraud.
A communication problem
Among the cases he was able to observe, the psychologist observes that, if this type of financial infidelity is not so rare, it is not out of pure dishonesty, but because the spouse “fear their partner’s emotional reaction”. He adds a nuance that changes everything: “Financial infidelity is often not a money problem. It’s a problem communication and emotional regulation. »
Boris Charpentier also assures that it is not always the biggest spender of the couple who hides the most. The risky contexts are rather couples where money is already a controversial subjectthose who present a strong income imbalancepeople who grew up in a unstable financial environmentanxious or avoidant profiles, and those very sensitive to judgment or guilt. “We often find extremely anxious individuals who hide their financial difficulties precisely because they are ashamed of having them”he observes.
Hiding a bank account and emotions
Shame, emotions… that’s the real driving force behind this kind of secret. “Money is rarely just money. For some, he represents freedom. For others, security. For still others, the social recognition. When we hide something financially, we are often protecting an emotion much more than a bank account. »
But the consequences can be serious. In a couple, trust is based above all on the predictability of the other’s behavior. Gold, “discovering a hidden account or secret credit often produces the same psychological mechanism as another form of betrayal: the partner no longer knows what is true and what is not. The hurt often comes more from the lie than the amount involved. » If we sometimes forgive a financial mistake, “it is much more difficult to forgive the feeling of having been kept away from reality”.
