When the little one turned nine months old, we still took turns lying next to him in bed from around 6 p.m., only going out briefly in an emergency, and we hadn’t spent a single evening together outside the bedroom since he was born. In addition, you couldn’t have a conversation when you were lying next to him; even whispering would wake him up at some point. I’ll be honest: That was a really tough test for our relationship and our nerves, because of course you know rationally that it will pass at some point, but on an emotional level you do despair at some point, especially when you realize that it’s almost happening All babies in your circle of friends can be left alone in their crib for at least a few hours in the evening without dramas happening. Looking back, I really have to say that I was at the limit – and I can see that so clearly because it seems SO to me now. MUCH. BETTER. goes.
But right from the start: When I complained again about how badly Jascha sleeps, Isabel was nice enough to recommend that I try sleep coaching with the lovely Julia Beroleit, who has also been a guest on our podcast and whose company Cozy Eleven gets great reviews (for example in this video by Christine Neder, the woman behind the travel blog Lilies Diary). So at the beginning of August I wrote Julia an email (Jascha was almost exactly nine months old at the time), described our situation – and realized that it was really high time to actively change something about our situation. I was really excited when she said it the next day already called and discussed with me what we could do that would make sense. Julia has various packages: the sleep consultation, baby sleep in the postpartum period or the classic sleep coaching, which we decided on. This consists of a two-hour diagnostic conversation so that Julia gets to know the family and the overall situation can – here we also discussed the sleep protocols. The next step was to create the videos of the baby in various situations. Afterwards we had the coaching/evaluation discussion in which the results of the videos were explained and we heard a lot about the topic of sleep and then developed the sleep plan together with Julia. There were also two follow-up feedback sessions to discuss how things developed.
Pretty annoying, but whatever
Our very first informational conversation was quickly followed by an email with clear instructions. I was supposed to record Jascha’s sleep for five days and his diet for two days. Julia asked us a few specific questions, which were also enlightening for us because we consciously deal with the topic, and sent us a template for the minutes. First of all: I dreaded having to write minutes, but I also knew that it would be necessary. We had already started doing this from time to time before the coaching because we read this book, but with Julia’s templates it was easier and somehow more motivating to know that someone was reading about these protocols and analyzing them. Of course, you could do it all on your own, but who has the motivation to do it and see it through? I sent everything off after a week and around ten days after the first phone call we had our first real appointment with Julia – via Facetime, super practical because you can also book Julia if you don’t live in Berlin, and I can imagine that this is a great thing, especially in rural areas with fewer options when it comes to sleep coaching.
Julia spoke to my friend and me very calmly and in detail about Jascha’s life so far. The birth, the first months, our feeling about parenthood, what we find difficult or cause problems and what already works well. She really tried to get to know us and get a feel for what the family dynamic is like, unfortunately Jascha screamed quite violently at times, so I had to have the conversation alone at times while my friend comforted the child and put it to sleep. Julia also explained to us exactly what video material she needed from us in the second step and created a dropbox into which we could easily upload it all.
Film everyday life
I actually found creating the videos quite stressful in advance – simply because you have your hands full with the baby anyway. But on the other hand, of course, it makes total sense, because after all, Julia should get an accurate picture of the situation? We should film Jascha playing before we put him to bed during the day, basically when we see that he is getting tired. Then also when eating, during the sleep ritual, when falling asleep in the evening and during care or massage before going to bed. We got a cell phone tripod, shot all the videos in one weekend (which wasn’t as stressful as we had previously feared) and were pretty excited about the analysis afterwards. Julia also took a lot of time here and first explained a bit about the theory of baby sleep, talked about speech cycles and sleep windows (if you want to find out more about this, I recommend our podcast with Julia). Jascha was there again and during the course of the conversation he got really angry because he wasn’t allowed to play with my pen (I wanted to take notes, but he actually thwarted that at some point). My friend tried to feed him and play with him, but both failed. When he came back to the Facetime call, Julia immediately saw that Jascha was tired and should get some sleep quickly. Live coaching, so to speak.
And lo and behold: my friend went into the next room with him and the little one fell asleep immediately. Wow! The information about your sleep windows, how to recognize them and how long they last has really changed my life. Julia also advised me to reposition a nursing pillow that Jascha always played with when he fell asleep and didn’t get any rest. “You guys have this kind of awkward dynamic, he takes it, you take it away, and it makes you really nervous,” she said. How right she was, at some point it really pissed me off that he kept playing with the pillow instead of calming down, especially when I saw how out of it he was or was having a really stressful day myself. She confirmed my impression that he really still needs sleep every 2.5 hours during the day, although many babies his age can easily be awake for 3 or even 3.5 hours at a time, and she also gave us advice to approach Jascha with more empathy, when he takes 45 minutes or more to fall asleep and just tells us: “Oh, poor you, you’re so tired, come on, I’ll help you, we can do it together”. It’s kind of strange to articulate it like that, but I found this speech really helpful; it got me away from thinking about efficiency (“The child needs to sleep now!”) and back towards more sensitivity and patience.
An increase in quality of life
These tips may sound banal, but overall they really made a big difference. And to be honest: Of course, what you have to do is simple at best and still has a big impact, that’s the point of good coaching. In the last few weeks, Jascha has become much, much more balanced, he’s coping with getting used to daycare really well and has even gained weight (due to his tiredness, he wasn’t the best eater either, that’s currently changing and I’m very relieved). Above all, there were so many evenings now when my friend and I sat together in the living room for two or three hours and Jascha quickly let himself be comforted when he woke up briefly. Nowadays we’re often too exhausted to do anything great with the time we’ve gained, haha! Now we have to learn to stop falling asleep at 9 p.m. But seriously: the increase in quality of life is really enormous and I wonder why I didn’t think about sleep coaching sooner! I would really recommend it to any parent who feels that sleep (or lack of sleep!) is negatively impacting family life. I was also skeptical, thinking, isn’t it overkill to hire a coach for a small baby? But as is often the case, it’s more about the parents, haha, or about developing a system that works for the family with scientific input and an individual approach. And above all, it is simply worth its weight in gold not to be alone, but to have someone at your side who has experience, exudes calm and gives you a healthy self-confidence in your own abilities as a parent – after all, there is very little that unsettles you anymore It’s like you just can’t calm your own child down, right?
Our new daily routine
Currently, Jascha wakes up around 6 a.m. and goes back to bed at 8 a.m. for another 45-minute nap, then he stays awake until around 11:15 a.m., we go to daycare settling in, then there is food, and after the afternoon nap there is another one Awake phase before he briefly drifts off again at 3 p.m. while taking a walk. Dinner starts at 5 p.m. and the lights go out at 6:30 p.m. at the latest. He wakes up much less often at night than he used to, and even if he wakes up more often in one night, he calms down much, much more quickly. On average, we have to comfort ourselves once before 9 p.m., and otherwise we can use the evening for ourselves – what a revolution, really!
All in all, I’m really happy with it, and in the next step, as Julia advised, I’ll set up a pacifier nest in Jascha’s bed, from which he can replace his pacifier over time if he loses it at night. Sleep is now something nice again and Jascha going to bed at night is no longer associated with stress for me. That’s actually the best thing, because now we still cuddle, joke and laugh together and our relationship has become much more intimate.
