Are the beak and bursts of voice to banish in front of his children? Do they have an impact on their development? How far can we go? Explanations and advice from Bruno Vibert, psychotherapist.
The tone rises, the divergences of opinion follow one another and the conflict breaks out … in front of the children? We would like to preserve them from our flats of voice, but it is not always possible. Besides, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Indeed, a recent study by Washington State University (United States) and published in the specialized journal “Emotion” in November 2018 says that having a conflict in front of children would be beneficial and would help them exteriorize their negative emotions, instead of containing them. So, would the arguments have positive effects for the child? How far can we go? Bruno Vibert psychotherapist lighting.
Do not dramatize the argument, nor trivialize it
“”In general, it is better to avoid incessant arguments in front of children“, begins by saying the psychotherapist.”But it is obvious that couple arguments are inevitable and necessary because they shed light on conflicts and frustrations. Based on this principle, not at all having arguments in front of the children would not be positive“. Why? Because the child could very quickly think that arguments do not exist and he will be very Difficult to manage a conflict When it is involved, because it is something that he will not know or very little. In addition, the child can be easily struck by the slightest shine of voice or by an unusual aggressiveness, whether in school or elsewhere, finally, “Children who do not know the conflict at all can also be tempted to hide their discomfort, repress their emotions and internalize their negative feelings when they grow, since they were not used to seeing them express themselves“, Specifies the expert.
“As he does not always have the perspective to analyze a situation, a child can have the first reaction the guilt”
It is therefore important that the child witnesses some arguments, provided, however, that they are moderate and occasional. “”Obviously, if the arguments take place almost every night, the environment cannot be healthy for the family and could awaken concern and anxiety in children“, Specifies the specialist. The child will very quickly imagine scenarios where he will feel bad, even responsible for his parents’ disputes and thus think that”his parents no longer love each other and will certainly separate“. As he does not always have the perspective to analyze a situation, a child can have the first reaction the guilt. And seeing his parents arguing all the time can think that he is responsible or the object of discord. It would be better in this case that the couple settles conflicts outside the family sphere.
The weight of words, the impact of gestures …
During an argument, the vocabulary and the choice of words are very important. “”We will rather advise parents to use the “I” or the “us” instead of overwhelming the other with “you”, often aggressive and accuser. We will also avoid involving children in the argument and taking them to task because it would be very destructive for the child to have to choose his camp“, Explains the specialist. Obviously, even if it is sometimes extremely difficult to contain oneself, we ban insults, free wickedness,” breaks of plates “or other violent gestures … So many traumatic reactions that can cause the sensitivity of the child. The argument on the back of fatigue or bad humor. To understand and play the argument, the child cannot be satisfied with these supporting documents and needs to understand what really happened. Thus, it is important to show the child that we take responsibility and that we fully assume the argument.
Explain what happened (preserve it from certain details) and do not do as if nothing had happenedbecause first, children feel when there is a tension and secondly, these paradoxical signals could on the contrary destabilize it and confuse it. Be consistent, reassure itand explain him that it is not because you argue, that you no longer love yourself. Remember that a family knows ups and downs, that they cannot always agree, that it is even healthy to have divergent ideas, and that despite the arguments, she loves herself and is still welded. Above all, to award it, explain it that it is absolutely for nothing and that it is not him the subject of discord. In any case, this discussion is better to have it with both parents. According to the psychotherapist, “If the argument took place in front of the child, It is very important that reconciliation also takes place before him To show him that it is possible to appease tensions and make compromises. In the absence of a reconciliation, the child might think, wrongly, that the argument is not over. In short, an argument is a good opportunity to show your child that a problem can be resolved thanks to steps forward and compromise“.
Three rules to follow
- Pay attention to sensitive hours! You have to be particularly vigilant in the morning before everyone left for work or at school “It’s a bit sensitive hour to argue because reconciliation cannot take place during the day, until the school returns. Thus, the seed of the argument can then germinate and anxiety grows with it. The child ruminates all day and can even lose attention and concentration“Explains the psychotherapist. In the same way,”The arguments should be avoided when returning home: the child will not have had his decompression airlock and will be deprived of a pleasant moment with his parents. As far as possible, avoid “breaking” these moments of family exchanges, which are ultra necessary for the development of the child“, he specifies.
- Show affection for each other. “”It is still preferable that the child grows in a healthiest environment as possible. Thus, during reconciliation, parents can have gestures of tenderness towards each other (taking control, caressing themselves on the shoulder, a kiss, a family hug …) to show the child the family unit“. Gestures is proof of reconciliation, easy to understand for a child. In the same way, be sure to pay attention to the length of the arguments. They are often the fruit of ruminations and can be – most of the time – abbreviated. Repeating the reproaches tirelessly repeats the argument in a deep way in the child’s head.
- Avoid conflicts in front of toddlers. A conflicting environment raises the stress of the baby. Thus, arguments and stormy discussions between parents where the tone rises should ideally take place in the same room as the baby, according to the expert. Indeed, “The young child records everything and does not yet have the means to evacuate it or express it, apart from crying. Frequent tensions can in the long term create anxiety and anxieties in children“, justifies Bruno Vibert.
