What parent has never lost their cool when faced with children who don’t listen? And while this behavior is very common, many end up feeling guilty for having raised their voice. But a therapist reassures: not all screaming is equal, and does not necessarily make you a bad parent.
Parenting methods evolve with the generations, and each one believes it knows how to do things better than the previous one. Of course, if many practices of yesteryear are now banned (with good reason), the eternal and unattainable quest for the “perfect parent” exerts enormous pressure on those who must educate little human beings. And especially since the arrival in the educational vocabulary of the expression “caring parenting”. Two words which have become a philosophy of life for some, or which have created a real aversion for others: because what parent is capable of keeping their cool in all circumstances, and never getting angry or raising their voice?
If the positive education method obviously starts from a good intention, it can also have the opposite effect for those who are unable (or do not wish) to put it in place. This effect which prompts one to ask the question: am I a bad mother, or a bad father, if I sometimes shout at my children? But the fact is that the vast majority of parents have a patience that has its limits, especially when their children do stupid things, put themselves in danger, defy authority, or simply refuse to obey… even after having repeated an order to them 15 times. In reality, there are different types of parental yelling, and not all of them are toxic parenting.
This is what Michael Vallejo, child therapist, explains in the American magazine Purewow. There are cries of reaction on one side, and cries of intimidation on the other. And rest assured, the first ones are completely normal: “This is the parent who asked five times, who is late and who finally raises his voice. It’s motivated by frustration and feeling overwhelmed, not by the intent to hurt.” Indeed, according to the expert, these impulsive reactions are not likely to create long-term consequences for the child or the relationship.
Conversely, cries that aim to control or scare the child are harmful, and can cause lasting emotional damage. Luckily, “children generally make the difference”assures the psychologist. Concretely, children are able to recognize when we shout in relation to a specific situation, or when we shout to threaten them (even if it is a punishment that we do not intend to carry out) or even to demean them (by saying that they are a “bad boy” for example).
In short, Michael Vallejo brings a new perspective on screams: everyday cries are not toxic, and there is no need to beat yourself up for raising your voice. This is a speech which should (finally) relieve the guilt of parents whose patience is often severely tested. Your children won’t hold it against you… and neither will the psychologists!
