You have just learned that you, or one of the family members, suffer from a serious illness. If it is very important to inform children, it is not always easy to know how to do it. Céline Masmonteil, psychologist, gives us the keys to get there.
It is a discussion that parents would never like to have with their child. However, it happens that the disease invites itself into everyday life, with its procession of anxieties and questions. A parent, a grandparent, a brother or a sister falls ill, and it is the whole balance of the family that is upset. The question then arises fromannounce the news to children or not. For the psychologist, no doubt, it is absolutely necessary to do it. “”It is very important to talk to children about it, whatever their age. Children are very sensitive and receptive to what is happening around them. When they are very young and are not able to understand, they will still perceive a sadness, an emotion, even the very small baby in the arms of his parents“. If we will obviously not address the same way to the child according to his age, it is however important to take the time to speak to him.
The announcement: when, how and by whom?
The moment of the announcement must be well chosen. You have to take the time and not leave the child alone in the face of his questions or anxiety. We will therefore avoid having such an important discussion before napping, bedtime or morning at breakfast before going to school. If there are several children, the ideal is to address the whole siblings at the same time, whatever the age of the children and even if it means talking about it individually afterwards. The right time, specifies Céline Masmonteil, is the one where the parent will feel ready. “”You must not only be ready to talk about the disease, but also to endure any questions from children and their sometimes surprising reactions“, Specifies the specialist. No need to want to say everything at once, it is perfectly possible to split the information according to what the child needs to know. If the parents are not comfortable, they can ask for help, for example from the hospital psychologist. It also happens that they do not manage to speak to the child themselves, calling on a third party is then possible:”It is important that this person is close to the child and knows his sensitivity. It can be an aunt or a godfather who will tell the child: dad or mom cannot tell you about it for the moment, but then will do it. “ This person, whatever it is, must also let his emotion speak, it will allow the child to express himself.
- Announce the disease to a baby
Some parents might think that it is not useful to talk about the situation to a baby because he is not able to understand the issues related to the disease. In reality, from an early age, a child will perfectly perceive a change in his parents, an unusual emotion. “”It will then be necessary to address him with sincerity“says Céline Masmonteil before adding that”If the baby does not necessarily understand the meaning of words, he will perceive the tone, but also the body language of the one who addresses him“. The psychologist then recommends talking about her own emotions and explaining to the baby that one is sad and worried because such a member of the family is sick, reassuring him however, so that he understands that he is in no way linked to this change of state.
- Announce the disease to a larger child
The risk of saying nothing is that the child has the theories himself, builds his own answers. He may also have difficulty asking questions, even if he feels that something is wrong. It is therefore absolutely necessary to counter his hypotheses and avoid at all costs that they feel excluded. “”Children will better endure the reality of things than if we let them imagine in their corner“, Recalls the psychologist. The little child, still very self -centered, risks building scenarios revolving around him:”What did I hurt?“. It is therefore important to explain to him that it is for nothing and to reassure it. The words used must be simple and direct, but adapted to the age of the child. Céline Masmonteil recommends not to use a metaphor:”Just as we will not say to a child that someone is “climbed to heaven” when he dies, we will not say either that a cancer is a big boho. It would then be very anxiety for him “.
Announce the disease: should you say everything?
To the question of whether it is necessary to say everything, Céline Masmonteil is more measured: “The child does not have to know all the details related to the disease, but it is important to always answer his questions honestly, even if it is to tell him that we do not have the answer“. Everything that is told to the child must be true, including uncertainties and doubts, tell the child:”When I know, I will tell you” Or “I will find out and I will give you the answer“is reassuring. There is no point in entering the medical lexicon and using too complicated terms. On the other hand, the potential physical transformations should not be minimized that the child will realize anyway, for example if the sick person will lose his hair or be particularly tired. The child must know that these steps are part of the disease.
It can obviously happen that the child asks the question so dreaded: “Are you going to die?“. If the stake is vital, you have to talk about it, even if it is also terribly anxious. The child must feel that the parent is taken care of by people who know how to treat his illness and who will do everything to heal him. Céline Masmonteil reminds that death is not necessarily understood by children:”Until the age of 6 or 7 years, they do not perceive the irreversibility of death. It will therefore be necessary to clearly explain what it means, with simple words and without using images. Children understand better what is concrete“. We can say for example:”We die when we finish living. We no longer breathe, we no longer suffer, we no longer eat, the heart stops“Instead of saying for example”we fall asleep forever“.
Illness of a loved one: how to manage after?
Children do not all react in the same way, depending on their age, their personality, but also the nature of the bond that unites them with the sick person. The specialist specifies that we will have to be listening to the child: “It is important that parents remain vigilant and are attentive to their reactions, especially if it seems sad, shot or on the contrary aggressive. It can suddenly sleep well or have eating disorders. You will then have to be available and seize opportunities to invite him to ask questions and express himself. ” The child must feel surrounded by a protective link without changing his habits, his rituals or too much modify his pace of life. In the case of a teenager, it is possible that he prefers to seek comfort with his friends and friends rather than at home, this is completely normal. Finally, in this process of advertising a serious illness to a child, do not hesitate to get help or accompany by his loved ones or a psychologist. For oneself of course, but also for the child if necessary.
