The subject is taboo, often denied, sometimes suspected. However, science gets involved: parents do have a favorite child. And no, it is not necessarily the one you believe.
In families, disputes often break out on minor subjects: who had the biggest part of cake, which was wrongly punished, or why mom intervened when one shouted, but not the other. Researchers from Brigham Young University and Western University then gathered and analyzed the data for thirty scientific studies on the differentiated treatment of children within their siblings. Their objective: to identify recurring patterns in parents’ behavior, by crossing criteria such as gender, birth order, temperament or even the degree of maturity. Verdict? Yes, there is a darling.
First of all, when reading this study, so -called “easy” children – those who obey, are responsible, do not make waves – are more valued. This is worth whatever their gender or their place in siblings. Another striking element: the girls, overall, are favored. The study reveals that mothers and fathers devote more attention to them, time, resources, but also that they are less often in conflict with them. Less problems in school, less aggressiveness, more emotional maturity … This painting, although a little caricatural, seems to unconsciously influence parental behavior.
Then parents tend to offer more freedom and autonomy to the elder, because he is the first to reach each stage. A dynamic which, moreover, does not stop with childhood since it continues in adulthood, the parents continuing to rest on the elder, to trust it, to delegate responsibilities, even implicit. By grouping all of these data, it would therefore seem that the eldest girl is the privileged of parents.
But this is not without consequences. Indeed, the most “loved” generally display better mental health, higher academic results, stronger relationships with their parents and less risky behavior. The others are more exposed to anxiety, withdrawal, devaluation. This imbalance can even increase over time if the feelings are not expressed or recognized. So what to do? First, recognize that this dynamic exists. Then listen. “If a child tells you that you have a favorite, you can answer him: ‘This is not what I feel, but you live it like that. What do you see?“, advises psychiatrist Blaise Aguirre.
The goal is not to deny, but to understand. Each child experiences family balance in his own way and this perception evolves over time. It is therefore essential to maintain an open dialogue, to adjust their way of meeting the specific needs of each, without mechanically reproducing the same gestures or the same expectations from one child to another.
