Who has never lied to please, to hide a slightly shameful situation or just to escape an admonition? Like adults, children do not always say the whole truth. But, can we talk about real lies? What are they hiding?
He had a 7/20 in math and dares not admit it, denounced his grandson after overthrowing his hot chocolate bowl on the brand new sofa, and invents a best friend champion of wrestling? Your child is sometimes led to lie and have his reasons. What are they? Is he aware of his lie? When should you worry? Florence Millot, children’s psychologist, answers our questions.
Can we really talk about “lies”?
“”Why is he lying to me? Is it normal?“. The lies of their children can concern parents. However, themselves lie daily, whether not to offend a work colleague, preserve good relations, not have to admit his feelings or simply to maintain social rules and good manners. Because yes, a lie is sometimes a necessary evil, much wiser and healthy than a truth. And that, the child understands it very quickly, between 4 and 7 years old, “When he begins to build his thought, to have more successful reflections, to develop his inner language and to analyze a situation“, Explains Florence Millot immediately. Lying is therefore a fundamental step in the construction of his personality and in its psychic development. This will allow him to make his own judgments. And besides, how can he not be tempted to lie when he hears all day long “We don’t say that to people!“,”We shouldn’t talk about this subject!“?
Why does he need to lie?
The psychologist would like to reassure parents: the majority of a child’s lies are “of the Defense mechanisms” And “Instinctive reflexes to protect yourself“. Of what? Of a potentially negative image, a bad reaction or an emotional invasion (” I suck “,” we are not going to love me “…). Besides, it is often very complicated for the child to discern the lie he makes to others of a lie that he is made to himself, or even a self-personal, because the child has a perception of the situation. “”A completely transparent child, who always says the truth often reveals a discomfort: he does not dare to be himself or absolutely wants to please his parents“”underlines the expert, before adding that a child “So has the right to have a secret garden and an intimacy: everything he thinks of the bottom of him does not have to be expressed“. It is therefore important to give him a share of freedom, when the lie is not dangerous and that he does not hurt anyone.”Total transparency is often a parental fantasy, while if there is too much control over the child, the latter is encouraged to lie even more“Explains the expert, before calming the parents:”A lie is certainly not trivial in a child, but it is important not to see him as an act causing or unhealthy“. We must also differentiate between anecdotal fabrication (he enjoins a situation), the lie by omission (he did not admit a bad note) and the systematic recourse to the lie.
“Punish or force him to admit the truth is counterproductive”
If the lie begins to become more and more frequent or that the child changes behavior (he approaches, does not want to speak too much, has bad grades, has fewer and fewer friends, has a bad image of him …), it reveals suffering. If you realize recurring lies, the best “is to step back, to observe the attitudes of your child before starting a discussion and having concrete questions to ask him“, advises the psychologist.”Tell him precise facts and tell him that you see what he is going“. In this way, the child will feel taken into consideration and can easily represent the consequences of his lies. The child will not necessarily respond right away, especially if he wants to protect himself from something, but will gradually open. Florence Millot even advocates to be”slightly“: Tell him” I know you are lying “will create a barrier in the child, the latter risks clinging and lying again. Likewise,”Punish him without trying to understand the cause of his lie is counterproductive and does not learn to have different behavior“says the psychologist who rather advocates a constructive sanction and an exchange (make him redo exercises if he lied on a bad note, help his brother if he denounced it …). Think about it with solutions for “repair“And learn to apologize. Nevertheless, if the lie becomes pathological and he takes up too much space in the daily life of the child, it is better to consult a therapist who can determine where this systematic need to hide the truth comes from (lack of self-confidence, painful past, fear of disappointing …).
