I have lived alone with my almost twelve year old daughter since she was 6 months old. The father had problems with cocaine addiction in the past.
My daughter he asked me several times why his father and I had separated and I always replied to her that the love had ended also due to the father’s personal problems.
But last night he very insistently wanted to know what these problems were. He told me: “I’m big, I want to know”.
I explained that to her the father used psychotropic substances to overcome certain weaknesses and difficulties but who then followed a path and managed to heal. I explained to her the effect of drugs and of dependence.
She listened to me, but at a certain point she said to me: I don’t want to go to dad anymore! I asked her why and she couldn’t answer me. I reassured her by telling her that it’s a past problem, that it’s healed. I explained to her that everyone can make mistakes in life, especially if you are weak.
I ask her for help on what else I can tell her to help her not interrupt the relationship with her father which up to now has always been valid and effective.
Sabrina
– Dear Sabrina, probably your daughter got scared in being told a dad who used drugs.
The narrative on the use of psychotropic substances that reaches young people is full of elements associated with risk and danger.
They often hear that people who use drugs also commit crimes. Imagining that all this was part of her dad’s life must have alarmed her. He unconsciously associated the negative judgment on drugs to negative judgment on dad, who, however, as you well explained to her, was able to get out of his problem and regenerate his life path.
In short, it transformed his mind a dad who made a big mistake in life in a wrong dad. It’s probably necessary now to show her the value of a father who changed his life also for the love of his daughter.
We need to ignite the positive vision of a man who is not lost in his mistake but with great effort and will he recovered the life path that made him a man no longer dependent on substances.
Generally, when they have to communicate news with a high emotional impact to your children, it’s good for mom and dad to do it together, even when they are separated. In this way a child perceives himself as safe and knows that the adults involved know how to work as a team even when faced with the most difficult and adverse situations. Perhaps, if the father had given this explanation with you at his side, who could explain to your daughter how important it had been for all of you to undertake the detoxification process, your daughter would have gained a feeling of strength and competence from it, rather than a perception of fear and uncertainty towards him.
Expert advice: Alberto Pellai, to address the issue of drugs in the family
Fathers and sons, facing the past: a letter to Conversations with the Father
