People who are selfish often don’t know they are selfish because they are too focused on themselves. Here’s how to learn to tolerate them on the advice of psychologist, Delphine Py.
The selfish person wears out. He thinks of himself before thinking of others. Indeed, he does not even imagine that the other could also have needs. The origins of this unbearable behavior are multiple. “If I was raised by parents who always did everything for me in an exaggerated way, I was able to build myself with the idea that my needs are more valid than those of others” psychologist Delphine Py deciphers for us. Conversely, “if my needs were never met and I built myself alone, I may have learned less to value those of others”. Despite these childhood wounds, selfishness remains difficult to live with for those around you. So, how do you cope with it on a daily basis?
What complicates matters is that selfish people often don’t know they are selfish. “They are very focused on their little navel. So much so that they have difficulty perceiving the expectations and needs of others.” The psychologist speaks of a “lack of cognitive empathy, that is, guessing the state of mind of the other and what they might want or need.” But do we have to accept and endure everything? “It depends on the relationship you have with the person” believes Delphine Py. “If it’s your boss or your work colleague, you have no choice but to deal with it. If it’s a companion, you can question their behavior.”
But you have to know how to do it correctly because “There are mistakes that we make regularly” warns the psychology expert. “For example, generalizing, making value judgments: “that’s not done,” “that’s not polite.” Or telling the other person what they should think: “you should understand that I’m right”.” These bad reviews are not heard. “The selfish person will inevitably react, be reproachful and counter-attack.”
Basically, to support a selfish person, you have to accept them in their entirety. But by ensuring that this tolerance does not come at their own expense: the resigned person can end up feeling less and less important, and consider that their own needs are not legitimate. To avoid getting to this point, the psychologist’s first advice is communication, but not just any communication. “When you formulate criticism, what is important is to talk about yourself and your feelings”insists Delphine Py. “Don’t be in the accusation: ‘You never listen to me. You’re selfish.” But rather talk about yourself: “I don’t feel heard. I need you to listen to me.” The idea is to formulate assertive requests or criticisms by talking about yourself and without being reproachful.
If, despite everything, nothing changes, our psychologist reminds us that we do not have to put up with a selfish person. “We do not have the power to make others change. They must want to, they must feel the need to do this work.” Clinging to the hope of change that doesn’t come has a real cost: “Sometimes, we tell ourselves that we will succeed in making this person change, or that the situation will improve. And as a result, we suffer twice: we suffer from the situation and we suffer from our expectations.” There remains one last question, perhaps the most essential: “Where is our own limit? Am I able to tolerate selfishness, or not?” The answer is up to you.
Thanks to Delphine Py, psychologist and author of “It’s unfair!” (ed. Marabout).
