Delicate subject, sometimes taboo … Discussing the first sexual intercourse is not always easy for parents. Should we let our teenager tell us about it or on the contrary, take the lead? What words to choose and how to be sure that he will take all the necessary precautions? Answers and advice from sexologist Sarah Krief.
Did your teenager introduce you to her first girlfriend? Was your child arrested when he saw an intimate scene in a film? There are more and more questions since his body is transformed (first rules, nocturnal ejaculations …) and that his hormones go in all directions? Maybe it’s a good time for him talk about sexuality And especially the first time. Advice from Sarah Krief, sexologist.
Towards what age approach the subject?
You shouldn’t be impatient to talk about it, but just be available if he has questions. Know that there is no good time. You have to discuss it when the child seems mature enough to understand. “”We can start to approach the notion of sexuality very slowly with words adapted to the age of the child. Around 7-8 years old, we can talk about the image of the body or the notion of feelings. Especially since it is at this age that small primary lovers begin. Around 10-11 years old, we can introduce everything related to hormones, physical changes and puberty, but always following the rhythm of the child. Around 12-14 years old, we can start talking to them really about sexuality, but without being intrusive“, Explains the sexologist. The idea is to tender them poles when you watch a film, when you come across an advertisement, when you talk about a topical fact or during a conversation in the car …”Rather than a long solemn speech, it is better to favor small discussions from time to time in head“, She advises.
8 tips for talking about the first time to her teenager
1 – Do not be intrusive
It is very important to leave him a share of intimacy. “”Better to avoid asking direct questions of the genre “and you are soon?”, Or “Have you ever made love?”advises the expert. So many embarrassing and intrusive questions that could rush it and bother it, rather than give way to a real conversation. And if he wants to confide, do not worry, he will naturally come to ask you and give you his doubts.
2 – Explain that what we can see on the Internet is not reality
For example, say that pornographic images do not correspond to standards, both in terms of performance and in terms of the aesthetics of bodies or genitals. “”As young people do not always manage to take distance from what they see, it is necessary to emphasize that these videos are like science fiction films, it is absolutely not reality and that performance (period duration, size of the penis, quantity of sperm … So many parameters that alter confidence in itself) is far from being the most important in sexual act. In these kinds of videos, men and women are specifically chosen (for their performance and physical characteristics), but they are not representative of the majority of people“reassures the sexologist.
3 – Telling your own sex life has no interest
First of all, the child or the teenager does not necessarily want to know details that could shock him. In addition in his imagination, the young person often considers his parents as asexual people. You can possibly tell him about feelings and emotional ties if you ask you, but absolutely not details that only concern you.
4 – Talking about contraception
“”Even if in theory, the teenager has sexuality education lessons, the latter are not always exempt in fact“So take the lead and tell him about the importance of the condom which is essential for each report to protect himself from sexually transmitted infections (IST).”We can even allow ourselves to leave a box of condoms available to the teenager. The idea is obviously not to count how much it remains, but to show him the importance of protecting himself and making him understand that you are open“, Advises the specialist. It is also an opportunity to offer the young girl to make her first gynecological consultation and why not consider the use of the pill.”The pill is also effective in regulating cycles and alleviating menstrual pain, so why not kill two strokes a stone“. The girl will also be able to ask questions that she dares not ask you the gynecologist.
5 – Do not forget to talk about feelings
Talking about the first sexual relations should not be confined to talking about prevention, STD or pregnancy! Also discuss feelings, love, emotions, physical attraction or desire. Insist especially on the fact that “We do not make love to put an end to his virginity or to do like everyone else, we do it when we feel ready, that we are in love or attracted by someone else, that we have desire for him and that we feel confident“Says Sarah Krief.
6 – First reports: a kit to answer your questions
Edita Rebours, who also created a kit to accompany her daughter during the first rules, wanted to answer questions from her children aged 15 and 17. There are three versions: for her, for him and for us. Inside, teens find A booklet that answers all their questions about the first time. In addition to addressing young people, he also gives parents a way to open dialogue on this subject difficult to approach. There are also wipes or condoms. The lools kit was created validated by medical experts and is manufactured in France. It is possible to find it online or in pharmacy, at a price of 32.90 euros.
7 – Directing it to a trusted adult
If you are embarrassed to speak sexuality with your teenager or if he finds it difficult to confide, head to another adult (a big sister, a aunt, a family friend …) who will be able to answer, with more perspective and ease, to her questions. “”Make sure this person masters the subject, however, and that he will not give false information in terms of contraception, consent, protection …“, Specifies the expert.
8 – To use books
“What vocabulary used? It is better to call a cat, a cat or to use diverted images? Will it be sprayed if I speak to him of condoms? Isn’t it too young to have his first sexual intercourse? “. OK, education in emotional and sexual life is not learning like the others. Intimate, personal, sensitive subject and, sometimes taboo, it is not always easy to find the right words to talk about it. Books can help you approach the subject. For example, the book “The sexuality of your teens, talking about it is not so complicated“From Samuel Filling to Editions Solar is a guide book for parents. A real mine of practical tips, testimonies of teenagers and implicating advice.
