Mother of a little boy, she decided to leave primary custody to her ex-husband. A choice which has earned her numerous criticisms, in a world where women are still expected to have a greater family commitment than men.
It’s a fact, in more than 8 out of 10 separations, sole custody of the children goes to the mother. Only 12% of separations result in shared custody, while primary custody goes to the father in less than 2% of cases according to INSEE. The majority of dads continue to play the role of substitutes in their own family, present only every other weekend. Although we are increasingly tending to free ourselves from these predefined and archaic roles, our collective imagination still wants women to be more capable of taking care of their offspring than men. So obviously, in reality, the distribution of parental tasks is still far from being egalitarian: preparing meals, taking a bath, appointments with the pediatrician, organizing childcare… Mothers assume on average 71% of child-related tasks, again according to INSEE.
“No one is surprised that a divorced man only spends weekends with his young child. Why, then, are mothers who do the same thing called neglectful, selfish and abnormal?”asks Yennhi Hoang, therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, in the columns of the British newspaper Daily Mail. Mother of a 5-year-old boy, she made a decision largely “controversial“: at the time of her divorce, she gave up custody in favor of her ex-husband. Today, she only sees her son six days a month, and despite criticism, she does not regret this choice for a second.
Like the character Edie in the famous series Desperate Housewivesthis decision created a shock wave in the young woman’s entourage and on social networks: described as “bad mother who abandoned her child”she herself has long experienced “pain, guilt and shame”. However, she assures her, her relationship with her son has been greatly improved. “I became a calmer, happier, more loving mother. It benefited both of us,” says Yennhi. In reality, this choice to leave sole custody to her ex-husband was not made lightly. The young woman, who gave birth at the age of 23, explains that she was struck by postpartum depression: “Holding him in my arms for the first time, I didn’t feel any wave of joy and love. I was so exhausted that I just felt empty. It’s not that I hadn’t bonded with him, but I was starting to miss my old life. I went through the days on autopilot, I was deeply unhappy.”
At the time of her separation, at only 26 years old, Yennhi therefore needed “find yourself” and learn “to know each other” herself. And above all, to have time for herself without her son, so she can be “really there for him” in the moments they spend together. “Isn’t it better that he is surrounded by a wonderful community at his father’s house and can see me at my best?”she underlines, specifying also that her ex-husband “always fully supported in this approach”.
Today more fulfilled with this arrangement, Yennhi campaigns for everyone to understand “that parents have an equal responsibility to love and protect their child, and that mothers deserve the same flexibility as fathers”. She also became a “self-expression” coach, in order to help “other women to assert themselves without complexes and without inhibition. In our current society, women are expected to put their personal aspirations aside once they become mothers: the child becomes the one and only priority, sometimes to the detriment of the mental health and development of mothers. For Yennhi, “iYou have to continue to take care of yourself.”and that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.
