Most parents apprehend the moment when their child presents them with the lucky one. But how can we intervene when you have doubts about the relationship or have reason to worry? Vincent Joly, psychologist, enlightens us on this moral dilemma.
“Dad, mom, I present to you Pierre, we just engaged, and we will soon get married!” This is the sentence that a good number of parents who are sometimes confronted, from goal to white, to the announcement of marriage at the same time as presentations. Very often, parents have a priori and worry if he will be well enough for their daughter. “There can be parents who do not get along with their son-in-law or daughter-in-law, but it can simply be a question of tolerance (it comes from another social background, it does not work …). We must therefore accept that our children make choices that we do not like once become adults. It can be unpleasant, we can be disappointed, but we must accept it,” explains Vincent Joly.
On the other hand, when you have good reasons to be wary of the person, this is a moral dilemma. Our daughter will marry a violent man, who has problems of alcohol dependence and who can potentially become aggressive? It can also be a person who lowers it and who is unfaithful, dishonest where we can realize that our child is under control … In this case, “it becomes more complicated, because we will seek to protect our child, while respecting his freedom. But as a parent, we must clarify things”, advises the specialist who considers that generally, we are not worried about “nothing”. But then, how to make your child understand that we are worried about him without it turning against us? Indeed, we could almost pass for the mother or the father who “did everything” to break the marriage …
For Vincent Joly, you must first avoid giving the impression to your child that we will decide in his place as when he was a teenager, and of course not to judge the person he presents to us, because we must take into account that he has feelings towards him/her. To help, you must above all understand your choices. “”It is important to wonder what is really going on for the other, to spend time asking questions “for real”, knowing what happens to him and why he or she is attached to this man/woman. We must try to understand the other or ask him to explain the situation to us, so that our advice is of course, because it will be a advice that starts from the heart “, he recommends. To bring the other to confide, it is also necessary to be sincere and above all, not to turn. “I had a patient whose family categorically refused to review the violent husband of their daughter. But this very clear position did not help her much, because having stayed with her husband, she finally sees her family. The child must then make a terrible choice between her husband or family”, tells us the psychologist.
Once the feelings of anger, sadness and bitterness have passed, we can then trust this little inner voice that would guide us on how to proceed. Perhaps inviting her child to dinner at home more often with her fiancé, go together to the restaurant, write to him or have a serious discussion, organize a family activity to create a link and soothe tensions …? In any case, “It is important to think upstream and to say that it is possible that your child does not listen to our point of view, but that we tell him anyway“, Specifies Vincent Joly.
Finally, if despite your exchanges, your child still decides to get married, the best we can do is keep a link so that we are still a resource the day he needs us. “What is difficult for parents is to say that children grow up and that we can no longer protect them in their place, we can no longer do for them as we still did in adolescence. Sometimes you have to accept them to see a certain number of errors, but life is also making bad choices, going wrong.. “He concludes.
