In psychology, there is no age to reconcile with its past.
It is sometimes difficult to face this past which continues to haunt you. Perhaps you haven’t talked about your father for years, or have you feel guilt linked to a past decision. “”The goal is not to erase what happened, but rather to change the place and the strength that the past has in our present“, Immediately explains Nelly Pannuzzo, psychologist and co-founder of Let’s Tolk, online psychologist service. An untreated past remains frozen and continues to influence our behavior. The challenge is to choose the place we leave in the past: not to be governed, and reduce his orientation power for the benefit of present decisions consistent with our values.
To start this work, you must first dive into yourself. “”Concretely, we will draw up a “cartography” of our injuries by asking essential questions: “What does it feel to feel today? How do I react to such an event?“To take up the example of a parent who is no longer talking about, why does the simple mention of your father name a deaf anger in your home? The objective is to put words on these emotions to understand the rehearsal patterns.”This cartography lights up with the triptych emotion/cognition/behavior: recognize what you feel (emotion), observe what you say (cognition) and see what you do in reaction (behavior). Understanding how these three dimensions eat each other already makes it possible to loosen the grip“, describes our expert. This work, although possible alone, can be very intense and is gaining in accompanied by a mental health professional.
Once this understanding is acquired, comes the stage of the exhibition, which must be done slowly and gradually. It’s not about forcing you to spend a weekend with your parents, but to go there little by little. The psychologist proposes for example to start with “go for a drink” so that your brain understands that you are no longer the vulnerable child of yesteryear, that you are today an adult, “secure and there is no danger”. The context has changed, your resources and limits too. This progressive exhibition is not an imposed test but a gradual experience which makes it possible to rewrite the emotional scenario and to transform the fears passed into force to face the future. If reconciliation with the other person is not possible or extremely difficult, therapeutic writing can also provide external repair. “”Writing a letter without sending it allows you to say what could not be said, to release emotions and to appease part of the suffering“reassures our interlocutor.
It is crucial to understand that reconciliation is not always possible or desirable, especially if the other person remains toxic. “”Do not hope for forgiveness or reconciliation at all costs“, insists the psychologist. Reconnecting to your values makes it possible to lay firm limits, to say”My limits today are clear. “If the framework is exceeded, you have to know how to move away to protect your well-being. We thus distinguish two additional plans: internal reconciliation (always possible, because it depends on oneself) and external reconciliation (conditional, because it presupposes security, respect and recognition on the part of the other).”Basically, true reconciliation is not an emotional amnesty, but a redistribution of roles. The past keeps its place – it is neither denied nor sacred – but his strength in the present decreases. He becomes a landmark, non -pilot. “
