Some people can’t seem to see the glass half full. But behind this repeated attitude, psychologists see much more than a character trait…
Moaning occasionally is not abnormal or bad. “One-off discontent allows you to express a need, an emotion, to put aside what is disturbing and to move on to something else”as Virginie Vallière, psycho-analyst-clinician, reminds us. A frustration then the page turns. This ability to say what is wrong precisely avoids silent accumulation. The problem starts when the person complains constantly. “Chronic complaining imprisons. It maintains instead of transforming.” Where discontent opens up the possibility of action or dialogue, repeated complaining creates a heavy climate and ends up wearing down those around you.
For the specialist, the moaning is first “a way of looking for a witness. In other words, the person does not clearly express their need but expresses their discomfort through complaints. She seeks to be heard, recognized, validated in what she feels. However, over time, the opposite effect occurs: those around them become tired, protect themselves, and take what is expressed less seriously. A vicious circle can set in. Chronic complaining can also be part of a victim posture. “We often observe a crystallization of the problems”underlines Virginie Vallière. The more we focus on what is wrong, the more it occupies mental space and colors the whole of reality. This mechanism can reduce the ability to perceive positive elements, even when they are present.
In psychoanalysis, this tendency can be linked to a very demanding superego, this inner body inherited from family and social norms. “They are often people who are very critical of the outside world, but also of themselves.” In some cases, complaining may have become a way of getting attention or being heard from childhood. The child may have felt a lack of attention and listening and moaned to be heard. An effective mode of functioning at a given moment… which sometimes continues into adulthood without the person being fully aware of it. Be careful, however, not to reduce the complaining to a simple annoying trait. “It can be a defense mechanism, a coping strategy, but also a symptom of depression or anxiety.” The frequency, rigidity of behavior and the person’s ability to evolve make a difference. When the complaint invades all areas of life and is accompanied by lasting suffering, support can be useful.
When faced with a chronic complainer, it is better to avoid negative escalation or humiliation. Setting clear limits, not fueling the complaint and offering another reading of the situation are more constructive options. In other words, it is not an immutable trait. It’s a way of working… and it can change.
