Excuses are often seen as weakness.
At work, in a couple, with parents or friends, apologizing is essential, because it helps restore relational balance after an error, clumsiness or suffering caused to others. The simple act of saying “sorry” or offering a sincere apology is a fundamental factor in reconciliation, maintaining good relationships and reducing the feeling of resentment in the injured person. Yet, although it may seem simple, many people fail to do it.
“Difficulty apologizing is often linked to low empathy and an inability to recognize one’s wrongs, making it difficult to detect the other person’s discomfort.“, immediately confides Aline Nativel Id Hammou, clinical psychologist. For some, the obstacle is either egocentrism, or the impression that it would be unfair to apologize for something that they initially thought they were doing well. Above all, the reluctance to apologize is often explained by the association “apology = weakness”: the act of apology is then perceived – wrongly – as a degradation or vulnerability. “This mechanism reveals a deep fear of the gaze of others and an intolerance of the idea of not being perfect, making the recognition of an error an unbearable failure. While it is quite the opposite: apologizing is therefore often considered a proof of inner strength and intellectual honesty.“.
The ability to apologize is strongly influenced by upbringing and parental modeling. “Growing up with parents who knew how to apologize, even to their children, makes it easier to learn this act of repair.“, specifies our interlocutor. Very often, if an adult has difficulty apologizing, it is because he is too demanding of himself. As he sees apologizing as a failure, he must first learn to be more forgiving towards himself and to accept making mistakes. The psychologist also points out that apologizing too much is also problematic. Excessive apologizing can be linked to mental health problems, such as social anxiety, depression or OCD. In this case, excuses often arise from false guilt or an excessive need for approval (people-pleasing). Ultimately, whether it is a question of apologizing too much or not enough, the heart of the problem lies in self-esteem and the perception of the judgment of others.
The advice for facilitating apologies is mainly aimed at those around them, who must give time to the person in difficulty so that they can progress and achieve authentic awareness. It is crucial for the injured person to clearly and simply express the impact of the mistake. The goal is not to obtain a forced apology, but a sincere one. Apologies do not always involve formal words: they can be expressed through reparative behavior (a gesture, a gift) or an emotional manifestation (crying). Finally, the person who has difficulty apologizing can dare to ask questions to better understand the other person’s feelings and “activate” their empathy.
