Dear Nina! You bought the house in 2012, who was on board at the time and how did it develop?
My husband and I looked at an apartment in an apartment building at the beginning of 2012 – the apartment was for sale. During the conversation with the seller, it turned out that the entire house and all the apartments were for sale.
We looked at everything and then, on the way back from the car, we spontaneously asked my parents if they would like to buy a big house with us and my parents simply said “yes”. My sister quickly came along too.
It wasn’t exactly this house, but the second one we looked at and in which we all live to this day. My brother-in-law came here nine years ago, two dogs lived here and we now have four children in the house. The oldest is nine years old, the youngest is six months old. Unfortunately, my father died recently, which changed the situation again, but also solidified it.
Everyone has their own apartments. We have 116 square meters on two floors, my mother has 90 m2, my sister, my brother-in-law and the baby live on 70 m2. Each apartment has advantages, there is a terrace, a garden…
There are four children in the house in total, right? Is this as Bullerbü as I imagine?
Yes, that’s a bit bullish. The children are at home everywhere and if there is a key in the door from outside, they are allowed to go in anywhere after knocking. By the way, this rule applies not only to children, but also to us adults.
Before school, the grown-ups always pick up a cocoa from grandma and the uncle, for example. B. put a new tire on his bike with his nephew in the afternoon. I look after my little niece from time to time so that my sister can take a shower in peace. At irregular intervals and, thank God, without pressure or expectation, we all eat together, usually at my mom’s because she has the biggest kitchen. Then life is raging there and at the end we always turn on the television so that the adults can eat the leftovers in peace.
You live quite rurally, do you have long distances to travel?
Yes, we live quite rurally. However, we can reach various doctors, a pharmacy, a weekly market, a well-stocked kiosk, two restaurants and a chip shop within walking distance. That’s a good thing. There will also soon be a supermarket on our street again. Herdeck city center is just under 10 minutes away by car and Dortmund city center can be reached in about 20 minutes. We are also super fast on all relevant motorways to get deeper into the Ruhr area or the nearby Sauerland. Our oldest, who is currently the only school child, goes to school in the neighboring town. We walk together to the bus stop in the morning and then he takes the public bus to his school for about 30 minutes.
In the afternoon we pick him up again by car after the OGS. Starting this summer, his sister will also be a school child, so the two of them will travel there on the bus with their friends and then maybe back.
How involved is your mother?
She is already very actively involved in raising children. My father was that too until his death. Twice a week she takes the kindergarten children to kindergarten in the morning and if my husband and I have something to do together in the evening, she also takes care of the kids.
But it’s even more important that the children always have another contact person and that you don’t always have to pack up all the children, for example to collect a child somewhere. For us, it’s these little things that mean there’s always someone there to keep an eye or ear on the children.
However, and I’ve heard this from friends, I know some people who live like us: The grandparents are no longer interested in doing anything with the kids on the weekend, going to the swimming pool or Phantasialand. You see the children a lot in everyday life. And when the children (are supposed to) sleep with grandma, they sometimes come back because they would rather go to their own bed. That’s the disadvantage of proximity, it blurs. And of course we all experienced the loss of my father and the grief of my mother extremely closely. Of course it’s much harder when you’re so tight. It’s also all well and good to accompany my mother in her grief, she is not alone. But it’s also hard for us and especially for the children who were very close with Grandpa. There are traces everywhere.
What if someone needs space?
Then he takes it. In terms of living space, we only share one hallway. All other areas are separated from each other. We also have a community garden, which my husband and I use most with our three children and which we also look after and look after. Here is our little summer house, which we have converted so that we can sleep there. But here, too, my brother-in-law and my sister have pool parties with their friends or have barbecues when they get too cramped in their garden. Talking about it and being tolerant is the solution.
Hand on heart: how often do you get on each other’s nerves?
Of course they get on my nerves! My children, my husband, completely normal. But we have enough places to retreat, everyone has their own private living area and everyone is allowed to say “no”. Nobody is obliged to take part in anything. And if there’s an argument, the others notice, but it doesn’t matter to anyone. My parents also argued, loudly too. Then that’s just the way it is, I think we all have a pretty healthy culture of debate in the family.
Our model of life is characterized by being authentic. And we all have a lot of love for freedom within us. Sometimes we don’t see each other for days, then it’s like a normal apartment building. Each of us has our hobbies, a circle of friends, my sister travels a lot, everyone does their own thing. And yes, we all eat together but sometimes I’m not there because I don’t feel like it. The key is to leave others as they are. And to have no demands.
It used to be that everyone flew out in the morning and the house was almost empty during the day. My dad retired early and was often here alone. That changed during the Corona period, my husband and I are now freelancers, I work at home a lot, my mom is also retired and my sister is on parental leave. That’s really nice. But I don’t think we have any issues as a family either. There are no unspoken feelings or construction sites or anything like that, we always had a close, good, open relationship with my parents, who raised us very liberally. I moved out early, at 18, because I wanted to get away. My sister lived at home until she was 23. When we were all separated, she was the least likely to be with my parents. And my husband has always gotten along well with everyone; he was one of the driving forces behind our multigenerational project.
How is it logistically? Do you all have your own washing machine, for example?
We have FOUR washing machines! Four children – four washing machines, one dryer. This is all in a shared laundry room and there is also a drying cellar. But everyone does their own laundry, only after the third child did my mom help with laundry and household chores for a few months. Otherwise, we have a workshop where we completely fulfill the gender stereotype. My dad was a craftsman, my husband is too. In the workshop we have all the tools, ladders, drills – and it’s quite a male domain.
Have you always been able to imagine such a model of life?
No! As a young woman, I couldn’t wait to live alone. This living model was never an issue until the aforementioned call after the house viewing – it simply grew.
How long do you want to keep doing this?
We don’t have a plan. However, it may be that in the medium term a house that is directly adjacent to ours becomes available and we would have the right of first refusal. That would be perfect for us as a family of five, because our apartment will run out at some point. That would be a conceivable change. If it works, then it works, if not, then so be it. But even then we would still live next door to each other. My mom definitely wants to stay in the apartment, but who knows! Maybe she’ll get to know someone again. And if we move into the other house, maybe someone else will move in, we even have friends who would do that. These are people who fit into the construct. But then they would rent. The house should remain in family hands.
Especially during the Corona period, our model of life was a dream. But it’s also simply wonderful for parental leave, when you often feel lonely. These never-ending days with a baby, it’s so nice not to be alone and to be with adults. Even when children are sick, there is always a backup. And you can also leave the children alone sometimes, for example when you go shopping and they are unmotivated. Grandma knows. These little freedoms are worth a lot!
I think this can be the most terrible form of living – or the most beautiful. There is nothing in between. I wouldn’t want to live any other way again.
Thanks for the insights, Nina!
