Some phrases heard during childhood never really go away. A psychologist explains how these invisible wounds can continue to shape a lifetime.
Repeated experiences of devaluation that took place during childhood can lead to forms of self-depreciation in adulthood. It is essentially between the ages of 7 and 10 that the child begins to put the adult’s words into perspective. A child with weakened internal security can remain trapped in the words that may have been said repeatedly during childhood (“stupid”, “good for nothing”, “you incompetent”). “Repeated humiliation, devaluation or criticism, especially in front of others, can be devastating not only during childhood, but also in adulthooddevelops Safia Metidji, psychotherapist and clinical psychologist.
The adult who was demeaned during childhood may develop a feeling of illegitimacy in personal and/or professional life. “He underestimates himself, tells himself that he does not deserve to be loved or to be happy, he refuses, for example, to live a love story or to deserve a loving partner. The person may resign himself to remaining in a relationship that is controlling, toxic or humiliating. In the professional field, he may remain in a professional position below his skills, because he does not dare leave his job to pursue other opportunities, not feeling up to the task.” explains our psychologist. Often, too, adults who were demeaned during childhood may have difficulty making decisions or taking the next step. “They tell themselves that in any case, their choice will be bad. In case of success, it will always be thanks to another person. In case of failure, the person holds themselves solely responsible. We can detect signs of depression or self-depreciation”, adds Safia Metidji.
Unlike submission, we can observe an aggressive reaction. “The person is often defensive, suspicious of others, even oppositional towards oneself. They are hypersensitive to the judgment and comments of others. We may notice in the patient a particularly pronounced hypersensitivity or a feeling of being poorly perceived, or constantly misjudged. These behaviors can lead to real suffering and have serious consequences, such as anxiety disorders, going as far as a persecutory experience. They can also generate problems in relationships and at work.” Likewise, repeated devaluation during childhood can also lead to aggressive behavior through “identification with the aggressor”. The subject himself appropriates the violence suffered to inflict it on someone else and thus escape from the position of victim. It is a form of behavioral repetition, more or less conscious.
People who experienced frequent disqualifications during childhood may, unconsciously, be caught in repetition mechanisms. Sigmund Freud, at the beginning of the twentieth century, called this form of traumatic reliving the “repetition compulsion”: what has not been psychologically elaborated tends to replay itself in adulthood. “It may seem paradoxical, but when we have been confronted very early on with devaluation, or even repeated humiliation, we can find ourselves once again under the influence of certain relationships which reactivate these traumatic scenes. It is not a question of a conscious choice, but of a psychological attempt to modify the outcome, develops our clinical psychologist. It is an attempt to replay the scenario to escape, but the anxiety is such that the person once again finds himself unable to act or react. This is the case of couples in which a man or woman is stuck with a partner who regularly or permanently denigrates them but where with each attempt at marital separation, a form of pseudo-reconciliation takes place, once again locking the person into a toxic spiral. This type of repetition does not reflect a desire to suffer, but rather a difficulty in leaving an old psychological scenario, the affects of which remain active.
Conversely, some people who were demeaned during childhood manage to transform this experience of violence through more creative means (the field of art, such as writing, painting or music) or in more social ways through political or voluntary commitment or in the aid professions… “It is a form of sublimation, which transforms psychological suffering into a symbolic and socially valued production. It can also be accompanied by intellectual, sporting, or family success.” Overall, the expert emphasizes that “the same behavior in adulthood can have very diverse origins and conversely, the same events experienced in childhood can give rise to very varied reactions, This diversity is sometimes very visible within the same siblings.”
“The psychologist is not always the first interlocutor. Leaving isolation means being able to address one’s experience to another (relative, friend, or colleague), capable of offering a listening ear. This introduces a third-party perspective and allows one to no longer remain alone in the face of what has been experienced. This movement is a first step towards a request for psychological care, by opening the possibility of freeing oneself from a form of alienation to the past and transforming the way one looks at oneself.” When the person does not have all the personal resources or the entourage to support them, therapeutic work with a psychologist can then help. This work often involves narration when it is bearable: recontextualizing events, placing the words in their time, their context and in the history of those who spoke them. Beyond storytelling, there are other more artistic forms of expression or discussion groups for example.
