There are couples who put everything together from the first months… and then there are those who have lived for years without never opened a bank statement together. Between these two opposing situations, there is often a subject that one of the two partners refuses to address, dodges, or cuts short as soon as it arises. Salaries, debts, ways of spending, saving and investing… it is nevertheless important for the good health of the couple to address these subjects. When one of the two refuses to address the issue, the other often finds themselves alone to deal with.
It is not for nothing that money is among the first sources of tension in couples, and even one of the first causes separationwith adultery and mental burden. And what is left unsaid is often at the source. “Money is rarely a purely financial issue. It’s often an emotional issue.”begins Boris Charpentier, psychologist and coach. It’s usually not a matter of ill will.
What silence often hides
Behind the refusal to talk about money, Boris Charpentier identifies several sources: “Fear of conflict, shame linked to financial difficulties, fear of being judged, differences in education, sometimes the need to preserve one’s autonomy”. More rarely, he adds, a desire to maintain some form of power or control in the relationship. So many reasons which have nothing to do with the figures themselves, and which a reproach will only reinforce.
These blockages often have their roots in childhood. “Our relationship with money is built very early, through family history”recalls the psychologist. Some families talk freely about money, others make it a forbidden subject. As adults, we reproduce these models without always being aware of them. Understanding that the other’s silence perhaps comes from their history, and not from a rejection, can already change the way we approach the discussion.
Open the conversation without attacking the other
The psychologist reminds us that, as with any “taboo” subject, the most effective method consists of to talk about yourself and his feelings, before talking about the other. Rather than throwing “you never want to talk about money”which will immediately push the other on the defensive, Boris Charpentier recommends a formulation in the first person: “I wish we could talk a little more about our finances, because it would help me feel more peaceful in our organization. » A nuance that can prevent the other person from feeling “attacked”.
In couples therapy, we encourage everyone to express their needs, concerns or plans, rather than accusing or diagnose the other’s behavior. “The goal is not to know who is right, but to understand what money means to each person”summarizes the psychologist. It is also better to choose a calm time, where neither of you is in a hurry or upset. “Discussions about money are rarely productive after a conflict-prone expenditurean unexpected bill or an argument »warns Boris Charpentier. In the heat of the moment, the subject can quickly turn into a settling of scores.
Reproaches and generalizations of the type “you always do that” Or “you never do”are also to be prohibited, as are comparisons with other couples and moral judgments on the other’s expenses. Finally, it is good to be aware that “In couples, money arguments are rarely money arguments. They speak security, freedom, trust or power »concludes Boris Charpentier.
