What if criticism said more about the person who formulates it than about the person who receives it? Psychologist Delphine Py deciphers the mechanisms behind this behavior which can become unbearable and gives her advice on how to respond.
This colleague who always finds something to complain about, this aunt who comments on every life choice or even this friendly remark slipped under the guise of humor… “Everyone can criticize and everyone can be a victim of someone who criticizes”Delphine Py, psychologist, immediately explains to us. “And besides, it’s very French: it’s easy to criticize”she says. In a country where the culture of debate and demands is deeply rooted, it is difficult to set limits, and this behavior ends up weighing on the victims. So, what is really behind this tendency to comment on everything, judge everything, evaluate everything?
Criticizing is not only negative, nuance Delphine Py: “This improves social bonds and creates complicity between people”. Criticizing is completely normal, “but it depends on the frequency and quantity”. When criticism becomes a permanent reflex, the consequences are real: damaged relationships, repeated conflicts, isolation. Especially since our environment fuels this trend: corporate culture of performance, social pressure to constantly improve… “There is social pressure to be the best you can be. It’s toxic positivity”continues the psychologist.
“We are all wired to notice the negative before the positive”
Not all reviews reveal the same thing. According to Delphine Py, those who criticize themselves but spare others often suffer from a lack of self-confidence: they think they are worthless, are afraid of disappointing and idealize those around them. Conversely, those who only criticize others without ever questioning themselves present more egocentric functioning. Our brain also plays a role: “There is the negativity bias, which we all have. We are all wired to notice the negative before the positive.” Anxiety is another common cause. People who have a low tolerance for uncertainty use criticism to maintain control: “When they face something they had not anticipated, this anxiety can take on the mask of aggression or criticism, to regain control.” While in reality, “picking up on what is not appropriate is an illusion of mastery”.
But the deepest root is often found in childhood. “What happens in our childhood will have an impact on the way we see the world.”explains Delphine Py. A child raised by very critical parents, those for whom an 18/20 is never enough, can grow up in the pattern of perfection, with no tolerance for error. “We were able to learn that love is conditional: if I am not perfect, then I have no value and I do not deserve to be loved.” These people often become critical of themselves as well as others: “It’s a way of reproducing the climate that has been experienced unconsciously.” Behind the person who constantly criticizes may therefore hide a child who has never been told that imperfection is acceptable.
How to react to criticism? For Delphine Py, “the idea is not to justify yourself, but to hear, to say whether you agree or not and to ask for clarification if the criticism is too vague.” Faced with a vague reproach like “we can’t count on you”she advises validating the emotion while asking for details: “I understand that you’re angry, but what makes you think I can’t be counted on?” The goal is to clarify. And if the criticism becomes systematic and seems unjustified, it is legitimate to open the discussion by expressing in turn what we feel.
Thanks to Delphine Py, psychologist and author of “It’s unfair!” (ed. Marabout).
