It is a very specific bond that is forged between a father and his son made of pride and also of fear at the idea of not behaving like the ideal father: the exemplary evolution of this son will be the demonstration of this.
The best way to prevail in this issue would be to maintain a constant requirement so that this child then chooses for himself the path which will be the most beneficial for him, but which is, obviously, not the easiest. His education will be
successful if he spontaneously goes towards the greatest difficulty and devotes all his strength to his desire to overcome it. Even more than others, gifted children understand this injunction very well; they are too young, too zealous, and above all too anxious to please their parents by meeting their demands, even if they are not always explicit, to rebel.
It would also be through this injunction, never directly expressed, that the pressure would be the strongest: the father is surprised at a slightly lower grade, he expresses his dissatisfaction, then his concern: is there something wrong? An unusual state of fatigue? A childhood illness ready to break out? We cannot envisage a lack of preparation or, which would be even more serious, and even dramatic, an indifference towards its results? The idea of an incapacity, perhaps irremediable, is touched upon and perfectly understood by the child who has failed.
The son realizes that these few points that he missed could represent in his father’s eyes the beginning of a catastrophe, whereas this tiny drop was considered by the teacher as a negligible incident, not even worth paying attention to, especially when it occurs in such a diligent and often brilliant student. The teacher does not care about the results of her students, the father will say, who remains attentive to the slightest drop, she has not even looked for the cause of this failure, when it could be the beginning of an even more serious fall, ruining all chances of future success.
This is just one example of the attitude of a father eminently concerned about the success of his son so that he approaches adult life with every chance of success, this is, at least, the image that could appear in a superficial vision. In reality, this son begins to be crushed by the immeasurable weight of these constant demands, imposed without respite or welcome moment of pause. He understands that, whatever he does, it will never be good enough to satisfy the demands of his father who is so concerned about his son’s career.
For him, a future of austerity is taking shape, his leisure activities being subject to the same rules of success at all costs. If he plays sport, he must be the best, win tennis tournaments, run faster, jump higher, there is no point in him trying football, it is not in this type of sport that he will be able to shine later. If he has shown any gift at chess, he must be among the champions of his category.
It doesn’t matter if his father was never very tempted by sport and if he never shone in a chess tournament, it’s not about comparing yourself, it’s about reaching the top, whatever the discipline. It is an ambition that is practically impossible to satisfy: it is then objectively demonstrated that this boy, who seemed promising, does not keep his promises. He is disappointing, even mediocre… The demonstration has achieved its goal: the son will never surpass his father, he will stagnate at an honest average, and he will already be exhausted by his efforts. We should seek out the reasons for these deadly demands, but those close to us do not necessarily have the necessary frame of mind, especially since it could be dangerous to undertake this work, we have seen constructions with a more solid appearance collapse in such circumstances. This son crushed by constraints will get through it, he has certain strength. Certainly, he gets through it, but at the cost of many renunciations and a number of prohibitions that he imposed on himself based on what he grasped, more or less consciously, but, unfortunately, especially less consciously, from his father’s attitude.
These demands, impossible to satisfy on a daily basis, prevented a child, however talented he may be, from forming a solid and strong image of himself. He will forever remain the child who puts in all his efforts, but who cannot fully satisfy his father. He will always fall short of others’ expectations no matter what he does.
A resentment buried in the father’s childhood
His father can be reassured, he has removed all danger, his son will not surpass him, but he is still not sufficiently reassured. He will dwell at leisure on his bitterness at the idea that he has disappointed himself, because he was not able to satisfy his ambition and the excuses he makes are not really credible, he is aware of that. For some, there will be, during a brief moment of respite, an appeasement of the resentment that gnaws at him when he thinks of his brother, so brilliant and whose success is indisputable. His son has always irresistibly reminded him of this brilliant brother, in fact uncle and nephew look alike, a singular complicity brings them together during family gatherings. She could also be a sister, so brilliant and luminous that she caught everyone’s attention and succeeded in all her endeavors with a sort of nonchalance, exasperating for a bitter brother, admirable for his parents.
In such a context, the mother of this mistreated boy suffers for him, she feels his distress, but she also knows that if she rises up to defend him the reaction will be clear: raising a boy is a man’s business, we are not going to make him a loser by giving in to his whims and being too indulgent, everyone knows the weakness of mothers for their son, it ends in disaster. The discussion is closed.
Advice : try to find in the close environment, or in a psychologist, a reassuring figure who reflects back to this child in pain, an image of himself corresponding to reality, where his finesse, his intellectual dexterity, his skill in multiple activities and above all his infinite kindness are recognized, evoked with the richness that they bring to a personality. A single mother in this role is less credible, because she is blinded by maternal love… It must be an image endowed with incontestable authority which can play this essential role in such a configuration.
