Behind this silence there is actually a valuable quality, according to psychology.
The phone vibrates. A message from a friend, a colleague, a relative appears on the screen. We read it, we start to formulate a response in our head… then we lock. Hours pass, then days, even weeks, and the response will never be sent. Many of us experience this situation daily.often with a mixture of guilt and helplessness. If this habit is generally perceived as a social fault, or even a lack of respect, it could in fact be a real strength according to psychologists.
Far from being a simple lack of politeness or laziness, this blockage often hides much deeper psychological mechanisms. “It’s not a question of will strictly speaking. Something is blocking them, something is making their task difficult”explains Dr. Annie Hsueh, clinical psychologist, to Stylist. People who are unresponsive are often perfectionists or stressed by nature. Certain disorders like anxiety or ADHD can also fuel this behavior, according to The Guardian. Added to this is a more recent phenomenon, linked to hyperconnection: digital fatigue, which pushes certain people to involuntarily withdraw as soon as the demand becomes too strong.
Behind this digital silence sometimes hides a much more valuable force than we imagine: the ability to regain control in the face of incessant demands and an overloaded schedule. “When we feel anxious and overwhelmed, we may try to take control of the situation, for example by telling ourselves, ‘It’s up to me when I contact someone again.’explains Dr Elena Touroni, psychologist, to Stylist. It’s a way to avoid feeling forced to interact with someone at times when you don’t want to.
Be careful, however, not to fall into the opposite excess. This need for control can quickly slide into chronic avoidance, which ultimately weakens relationships and generates even more stress and guilt. “There are times when it is important to respond quickly, and others when it can wait. Learn to better discern these situations”nuance Dr Elena Touroni in the article. She invites everyone to take responsibility: “Confront your avoidance tendency head on, by staying true to your values.”
The challenge therefore consists of distinguishing the message which deserves an immediate response from the one which can be patient without harming the link. Honesty remains the best weapon. For example, it is possible to send a short and sincere note like: “I don’t have time to respond to you as I would like today, I’ll get back to you very quickly. It’s not against you, I’m very busy at the moment.” Another effective strategy: set time slots dedicated to responses, rather than being subject to continuous notifications. And for people with anxiety, ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?” when responding to the message can help put the unknown of the response into perspective.
