The phone at the table, the videos until late in the evening, the famous “I’ll be there in two minutes” which lasts half an hour… Psychologists explain that there is a way to limit arguments linked to screens with your teenager. And there’s something for everyone.
Who has never heard a parent say “Can you put your phone down for five minutes?” before seeing his teenager roll his eyes? Conflict between parents and teenagers is almost part of the package. They are frequent, sometimes exhausting, but also completely normal. Specialists point out: at this age, young people distance themselves, test the rules and want to gain freedom. On the other hand, parents continue to want to protect them from screens and the excesses of the Internet. Obviously, it rubs a little.
And among all the subjects that come back to the table, screens easily take the gold medal. Between the phone, social networks, videos, games or discussions with friends, it’s difficult to know where to place the cursor. However, according to several experts interviewed by the HuffPostthe telephone is often just the visible part of the iceberg.
For Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist, the real subject is elsewhere. “At the heart of almost all conflicts between parents and adolescents is the question of autonomy and free will.” Clearly, teenagers want to decide a little more for themselves. “They seek to define themselves, and this process naturally involves demanding more independence,” she adds. In short, this need is normal. It is even part of their development.
In this context, before imposing very specific rules, psychologist JJ Kelly advises starting with a real discussion. His idea is simple: show “curiosity” to understand what pushes a teenager to spend so much time on their phone, TV or computer. Is he going through a difficult time? Does he feel under pressure in middle or high school? Is he just looking to unwind? “If your teenager spends five hours a day in front of a screen, ask yourself – and then ask them – what’s really going on inside them,” she summarizes. Because “removing the screen without addressing the underlying problem only moves the avoidance elsewhere”she insists.
Once everyone has been able to talk about it calmly, psychologists recommend defining very concrete rules. How much time per day? At what times? Which devices? What exceptions are there on weekends or during holidays? The clearer these points are, the less room they will leave for last-minute negotiations. You will have understood it, “When expectations are written down, agreed and posted on the refrigerator before an argument even breaks out, most of the work is already done”concludes JJ Kelly.
