Relationships between parents and their children sometimes become conflictual when grandchildren are born. The grandparents are then excluded from their lives, and must resort to justice to enforce their rights, particularly visitation rights. Testimonials and advice.
Family relationships are sometimes so tense and thorny that the arrival of a child, in fact a grandchild, can crystallize conflicts. The latter becomes a new reason for confrontation, while the parents refuse the grandparents any involvement in the child’s life. “I looked after my 4 year old granddaughter every day, and from one day to the next, nothing. I’ve never even seen the youngest, 12 months old.“, deplores an Internet user on the Journal des Femmes forum, who does not know how to reconnect with her son.
Some parents, having “family matters” to resolve, sometimes take their children “hostage”, depriving them of going to grandma and grandpa’s house during the holidays or for Christmas celebrations, for example. “My son is blackmailing me : he lets me see my granddaughter, aged two and a half, then nothing for several monthss”. What to do in such situations? What are the rights of grandparents who find themselves powerless and helpless when relationships deteriorate? How can we move forward in the face of what they sometimes feel like “emotional punishments”?
What are the rights of grandparents?
In the event of a breakup, some parents resign themselves by building their lives without thinking much about it. “For my part, it’s been almost 18 years since I last saw my only son. In 2011, I tried to relaunch him on social networks, but in vain. I rebuilt my life and found a wonderful stepson“, testifies a father. “I’m not trying to contact him again, because life goes on and I’m not going to make myself sick“, he adds. But others are fighting to enforce their rights. How to go about it? Before starting proceedings before the court, it is preferable to find a amicable settlement because “the procedures are long, expensive, uncertain and often traumatic and painful for the whole family. warns the association of the school of European grandparents, which recommends legal proceedings as a last resort. For this, they can call on a family mediator (or even to a friend or family member) in order to find common ground. There is also the solution of conciliator, Who mission is to find a solution to the conflict.
Finally, when no compromise has been found and intra-family relations are broken, legal action can be taken with a lawyer. THE family court judge of the judicial court of the grandchildren’s domicile must then be seized. He will be able to hear the grandchildren to know their opinion. Then, it is he who will grant or not grant visiting or accommodation rights.
– THE visiting rights allows grandparents to receive the child during the day.
– THE right of accommodation allows them to invite him to sleep.
– THE right of correspondence allows the exchange of letters, telephone calls, emails to keep in touch.
– THE right to maintain personal relationships authorizes grandparents to participate in the child’s education, as long as they do not replace the parents.
In what cases can the judge refuse grandparents to see their grandchildren? Incapacity, alcoholism, brutality of grandparents and even refusal of grandchildren are some of the criteria which can encourage the family court judge to put this relationship on hold. Whether the parents are married, separated, divorced or whether the child is adopted or not, the rights of the child remain the same.
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What the law says. Since 2007, a law has allowed children and elders to maintain a link, despite the wishes of the parents. If the child wants to see his grandparents, that is his right. According to article 371-4 of the civil code, “the child has the right to maintain personal relationships with his or her ancestors. Only the interests of the child can prevent the exercise of this right. If this is in the interests of the child, the family court judge sets the terms of the relationship between the child and a third party, parent or not.“. However, this law is sometimes applied to the detriment of parents. Indeed, it can happen that grandparents use their rights to put legal, psychological or financial pressure on families. According to the association La Dérive 371-4, “leaving grandparents (or third parties), whatever their behavior, the possibility of resorting to justice to obtain against the wishes of the parents a right to visit and/or accommodate the grandchildren is useless and dangerous”. Info on www.laderive371-4.fr |
The role of grandparents
Too present, too intrusive… Children sometimes feel that their own parents interfere a little too much in their family life, especially when they judge or give advice on their children’s education. Indeed, they can sometimes be intrusive or guilt-inducing when providing their advice: “We don’t do it like that, you should teach him to be more careful, etc..”. The latter can also be devastated by the education provided by parents, because quite simply, mentalities and recommendations regarding education evolve over time. However, they must not educate, specifies the association L’Ecole des grandparents Européens. It is therefore essential to recall the role that grandparents must play, namely that of transmission : values of life, morality, or even the sensoriality of food. They also have a role of listening and sharing with the child (spending time with him, welcoming him), with the responsibility, when the child confides in them, to get him to talk to his parents, so as not to break this bond of confidentiality.
To defuse arguments, communication, mutual respect and good understanding are essential.. Also, grandparents must be tactful, from birth. Taking the baby in your arms in the maternity room, without having been invited, or making comments about the baby’s care, can in fact harm good understanding between parents and grandparents. Everyone must be able to keep their role. Also, do not hesitate to discuss it together when you feel cold within the family, in order to work things out calmly. Finally, there is no need to take the other’s place since the presence of each person is essential for the child.. Do you think your grandchildren don’t come to visit you often? Remember that your children probably have a hectic pace. So avoid reproaches and instead organize a friendly afternoon at home, to bring all your children and grandchildren together in a good mood.
What are the solutions for seeing your grandchildren regularly?
Grandfather, grandmother: if you want to make yourself indispensable in the lives of your grandchildren, and see them weekly, there is a solution which can bear fruit and which will relieve many parents: offer to take charge of extra-curricular activities! Taking the grandchildren to dance, to draw or to play the violin will be an opportunity to enjoy an exclusive moment with them, knowing that the journeys are conducive to confidence. Then take advantage of a gourmet break to extend your bonding time, and have special moments with your descendants. This is a good compromise for everyone: the parents will be delighted to relieve themselves of these time-consuming tasks, you will not be accused of sluggish intrusion into family life, and will have the opportunity to create a real meeting with your grandson or granddaughter, who will wait for it with the same impatience as you!
And if you really want to take sharing to the limit, sign up for intergenerational activities, such as learning chess, reading or scrapbooking workshops. Mom and Dad won’t be able to do without you!
Are you having relationship difficulties with your parents/children? Testify on the forum.
