When he is with his parents, the child describes what he observes, discusses everything and nothing, tells stories… But as soon as another person is there, not a word. Many fathers and mothers can observe this phenomenon that a psychologist explains to us.
It’s a situation that can intrigue parents: their child, who usually speaks very well, suddenly shuts up when there are guests, when he meets a new person, when he goes to the doctor… Caroline, mother of Paul (3 years old), was able to notice this during their last appointment with the pediatrician: “My son is a real talker, but he didn’t say a single word there. I was very surprised, and it was to the point that she thought he didn’t know how to speak, even though he expresses himself perfectly well.”
Like Caroline, many parents have already experienced these kinds of scenes, thinking that it was simply shyness. Aline Nativel Id Hammou deciphers this phenomenon for us, and begins by explaining to us that it is important to call it by its name: selective mutism. “We have to get away from the image that he is a child who has language or communication problems, since when he is not in certain contexts, he will succeed in speaking. It is not an oppositional disorder either, nor an intentional refusal. I sometimes hear parents say that it is a whim, that he is making films, that it is a game. But that is not the case, it is a very specific form of anxiety, of social phobia: fear of speaking up in front of certain types of environments or people”underlines this child psychologist.
The expert invites us to be aware that the trigger for this selective mutism is fear: “It is not the child who has the will to no longer speak, it is that he is faced with something which overwhelms him, which causes this mechanism of silence to be put in place, like a form of strategy which he does not really master”. When this happens, it is essential not to have a negative reaction (scold, punish, make fun, etc.), because this will add pressure. Aline Nativel Id Hammou recommends asking yourself what causes this anxiety (inhibition, hypersensitivity, anxiety about performance or conforming to expectations, mimicry of anxious parents?), but also to adopt a positive attitude.
It’s not just oral language, there’s also body language: “If your child can’t say hello, but gives a smile to the person, we’ll make do with it.”. Then we will “expose your child gradually and gradually”. The psychologist explains: “For example, if we know that our child is afraid to ask the baker for bread, when we go to the store, first of all, we will try to say hello. We will show him how it is done by explaining it to him). By being in a form of caring coaching, to help him gradually to succeed in entering into a verbalized interaction. And we must always value what the child is trying to do.” If she recognizes that the border between “encourage, motivate, and force” is sometimes vague, we must be careful not to normalize anxiety so as not to encourage avoidance, which will “reassure him that he is right to be afraid”.
Aline Nativel Id Hammou also recommends not speaking for your child. On the other hand, it is possible to defuse the situation by saying something to the interlocutor (even more so if he expresses a negative point of view on the situation), by paying attention and having the right tone and by accompanying it with a gesture of support, which will at the same time respond to a need of the child: “Know that your parent is not an adversary, but a supporter.”
