Lena, mother of one daughter
Only children, we’ve heard a lot about them and in very few cases good things.
It is said that they are spoiled, selfish, unadaptable and much more. Of course, what that really means is that child’s family failed – in education, in conveying values, in learning how to live together in society. Put, six.
But I see it a little differently, because I couldn’t imagine anything better than life with exactly this one child. I like being able to fulfill my child’s wishes: the surprise egg at the checkout, a visit to the dinosaur park, the afternoon at the swimming pool, cooking their favorite meal every weekend.
I like that I can be fully there for this one child, let’s exclude employment and care work and mental load.
I think it’s too short-sighted to think that my child will automatically develop an egocentric view of the world.
Our everyday life consists not only of my child, but also of our extended family, of daycare and work, of appointments and household duties.
My child most likely hides his needs and emotions most of the day because he naturally has to adapt. In daycare it is part of a whole, it has hours of social contact, it has to adapt to some extent and learns to deal with others and their needs and expectations.
How nice it is when it’s just me, his mom, waiting for him at home and he can finally be himself for a few hours and develop.
I don’t see what’s wrong with that.
My child is already subject to the norms and expectations of others all day long and then he shouldn’t even be allowed to be himself at home with me, to express himself and be respected as far as possible without any restrictions?
No, I strongly disagree. First of all, I still live here and I have my own needs and ideas.
So my child will become one thing above all: willing to compromise.
In addition, I don’t shower my child with gifts, but above all with love and attention. The chocolate bar in the supermarket is much more than just a simple chocolate bar, it is also: I see you and your wishes.
Many people probably still shake their heads. You may see my child running 100 meters in front of me and think: ‘She doesn’t have her child under control’.
I, on the other hand, see the basis of trust that we have with each other. I see the years of previous life, of confidence in my child’s abilities.
I can already see his desire to run to the street corner and wait for me there.
And I know that we, my child and I, can do that. My only child is a great child, period. Just like children with siblings are great children. There’s nothing to discuss about that at all.
If it bothers me that the supposedly spoiled only child always gets everything – and I can assure you, that’s not the case – then perhaps I should question whether the problem is really this child or my own experiences and feelings.
We all have a lot to work through, but please let’s not take it out on children when in reality the crux of the matter lies in our own upbringing.
Communication is key – this also applies to children and yes, I think that it is often much easier to communicate with one child at eye level than with several.
But instead of making judgments and judgments about each other, let’s just talk to each other.
We will certainly understand each other better and help to throw acquired prejudices overboard.
Because these clichés are old hat: only children are bad, siblings are good.
It all has its pros and cons, but isn’t it important that every family decides its composition for itself without being judged?
Let us please leave behind these acquired images of little tyrants and great sibling love and turn to the important things: our children, whether one, three, five or eight.
Merle, mother of a son
How it still hurts me when I read about “only children”. Because I’m one myself – and I’ve always hated it. I wanted a big family, like my friends. With big brothers and little babies and a full family table. I always “only” had my parents, who were also very old (they only met in their late 30s, my mother was 40 when I was born, in the 80s that was VERY OLD). They were very friendly and affectionate, but also old and boring. In addition, I have always felt the label of “only child”. That’s why I made an extra effort not to appear spoiled or selfish. Today I would say that I was never either.
And now I have an only child of my own. Sniff. It wasn’t planned that way. I’ll repeat my parents’ story a little. I wanted to have a career first. Then, at 37, we had to help really hard with our first child. I also had an endometriosis operation and after a few years of fertility treatment, lots of tears and thousands of euros, we buried our dream of having a second child three years ago. That’s often how it is. Whenever a judgment is made, you should think again or ask what is really behind it. We would have loved to have had a second, maybe even a third child. We weren’t granted it.
Now we have one. And that is very, very wonderful. Social and helpful, enthusiastic, sensitive, likes to share, cares. A child so different than any only child label would allow. The fact that I’m emphasizing this again feels wrong. Children are just children! And family constellations sometimes arise like this, sometimes like that. There is no right way. Just as there is no wrong one.
I really enjoy having only one child now. One that I can zero in on, that I completely understand and know. One whose needs I can sense – and I have the time and energy to address them. One who can really relax at home, without sibling noise and stress. And yet I’m still wistful.
I have a friend who has two, with whom I regularly exchange ideas in a friendly and open manner about the pros and cons. She often finds it difficult to respond to both. Both often talk to her, she smiles – and doesn’t actually do justice to anyone. Finding activities on the weekend that both of you really enjoy is also difficult. So she often envies me for this one child and the relationship we both have. About how easy it is to find a babysitter for a child. About how we can go on vacation because it doesn’t just make a difference financially. But she also shares what is beautiful. The liveliness at home, the lots of playing and teasing and looking after each other. How nice it is that the children have each other. Those are the moments that make me sad. But it’s the other way around too! Life is just like that, we people are different, and so are the children. And you can’t always have everything.
Marc, father of a daughter
I often say myself that our daughter is a typical only child, what’s wrong with that! For me it’s just a saying that if it triggers you, you have a problem. Our daughter is the star of our eyes. We are total helicopter parents, one of us is always at the start and she gets a lot of her wishes fulfilled. I’m happy for her! I have three siblings, I have never received such attention and I think it is wonderful that my child is now so cared for and can grow up so safe and protected. For us it was a conscious decision to have only one child. We wouldn’t have the capacity for a second one, either mentally or financially, and the living space wouldn’t be there either. It was always clear: a child. I absolutely love it the way it is. And no one should dare to judge this except ourselves. That means: I can say that my child is a typical only child, others are not. They never would, I know that. Because how “unsocial”, “unmannered” or “selfish” children are is always evident outside of the parental home. And my daughter is an absolute role model child, even at school. Oh yes, I, on the other hand, know some children who were already at home with us who I would give these labels to. But they all have siblings. Mhhhhhh, strange…
