It is the universal reflex of all caring parents. However, a family therapist alerts us to the invisible consequences of too much “I love you” in raising children.
It’s a completely natural and profoundly benevolent reflex: when you become a parent, you discover a new form of love, totally unconditional and indescribable, which you have exclusively for your child. Young parents want to shout this love from the rooftops, and above all express it to this little being who matters more than anything in the world. And while a child certainly needs to hear them, the words “I love you” can be double-edged. We think they are lifesaving, but the psychological reality is much more complex. It’s all a question of dosage, as Lesly Lapilus Merius, family therapist, explains to us.
We know that children are sponges, especially in the pivotal period between 0 and 7 years old. “It is an extremely important phase in the psycho-affective construction of the child. All the acquisitions at this age remain and then influence the way in which, as adults, we will perceive relationships”recalls the specialist. And precisely, contrary to what one might believe, too much verbal love can have consequences on the emotional development of little ones.
This is the whole principle of automatism, of a mechanical habit which trivializes the message. “If someone tells me ‘I love you’ every day, at any time of the day, when it has no interest at that moment and I don’t feel it deep inside, it doesn’t resonate. The word itself doesn’t really have an impact”notes Lesly Lapilus Merius. Saying “I love you” to your child all the time, whether reflexively when dropping them off at school or putting them to bed, or to soothe them after scolding them, can help dilute the force of this statement: “If he doesn’t perceive all this protective attention from his parent through the notion of ‘I love you’, because it is continually repeated, he won’t do anything about it.” The therapist thus uses the metaphor of “the baguette” : when “I love you” becomes such a natural automatism that it “empty of its meaning”a habit no more significant than a daily trip to the bakery to buy a baguette.
The goal is therefore to distinguish the routine “I love you” from the vibrant “I love you”, which appears more sincere in the eyes of the person who receives it. But also, for these words to reflect the true intention of the parents, Lesly Lapilus Merius explains that it is essential to accompany them with other proofs of love: “Always hearing ‘I love you’ without it being demonstrated by non-verbal attitudes, valuing or paying attention to emotions loses its meaning. The risk is to weaken self-esteem, self-confidence, and ultimately create a form of emotional dependence or relational difficulties, or even sometimes behavioral difficulties.” Indeed, a child who has been told too many empty “I love you” words could develop a constant need for validation which will persist into adulthood, in their romantic, friendly or even professional relationships.
Concretely, we must not stop saying “I love you”, far from it, but simply give weight to these precious words. As Lesly Lapilus Merius recalls, “There is no single way to love or emotionally secure a child” and love can be transmitted other than through words: the essential thing lies in the importance we give to this “I love you”, and the meaning we give to it. By giving it back its rarity, we give it back all its power. Less automatic but more embodied, the “I love you” then finds all its magic: that of a suspended moment which is felt deeply to build, step by step, the confident adult of tomorrow.
