We know that for certain gifted children, an expressed desire quickly appears to them to be absolutely vital. They have not integrated the notion of frustration, they still think of themselves in the position of the newborn for whom any satisfaction of a need is essential: it would affect their life.
Some gifted children have retained this propensity to consider every desire as primordial as the need for foodthey have not integrated the difference and they are far too passionate to understand that there is a scale of needs.
These children have sometimes, at a young age, gone through a phase of all-powerfulness which was undermined when they began to have to face demands without being able to respond to them because they were still too clumsy or too ignorant and above all because they completely ignored the notion of learning. They had had beginnings that fulfilled them: their parents appreciated their dexterity in handling language, which quickly became very elaborate and subtle and the slight effort they had to make seemed negligible to them, especially when they noticed that they could converse better and better with adults and then be considered as full-fledged interlocutors.
Conquering space by moving skillfully, without falling stupidly and without reason added to their pleasure. To further enhance their takeover of their environment, they found pleasure in concentrating on completing puzzles which they heard were intended for much older children.
From then on, they could have the impression of possess a certain power over their environment and this idea appealed to them so much that they did not see why they would question it. There had indeed been a few incidents, blunders, oversights, but they were negligible and their parents themselves were quick to minimize their significance, which was insignificant compared to their often admirable successes.
When a young child becomes lucidly aware that he still has a long way to go before becoming fully effective, he demonstrates a maturity of mind, reinforced by a wisdom of almost philosophical depth. He can then continue to progress with serenity, without fearing falls, literally or figuratively, or moments of uncertainty, because he knows that they are specific to human nature.
This same wisdom encourages them to trust their parents ; they know that they are deeply loved and that these attentive and protective parents would never make a decision that is harmful to their child, even if their reasons are not very clear. And above all, they integrate the primordial notion of law. For others, it is difficult to renounce the feeling of omnipotence that their dexterity has maintained.
Destabilized parents
The complexity specific to gifted children sometimes makes them difficult to understand, parents do not dare to draw on their own memories, times have changed, the way of life is no longer the same, they will seem so offbeat that it will harm their credibility. It is the uncertainty specific to gifted people that slows him down: do they feel legitimate?
They are all the more uncertain because this apparently capricious child cannot be considered as lacking maturity: his request should perhaps be taken seriously, even if it seems inconsiderate: we cannot accuse him of immaturitysome of his remarks are imbued with surprising wisdom and astonishing finesse. These hesitations lead to a loophole into which certain children can fall: they have felt their parents less confident, they then think almost instinctively that they can exploit the weakness they perceive and, with the excess that is specific to them, especially when they want something that has become essential in their eyes, they resort to a process that they consider unstoppable: if we refuse them to satisfy a completely legitimate need, all they have to do is disappearthey are not going to prolong a stay in such miserable conditions with people who do not understand them.
They send a very clear message, unambiguous, and they can immediately see its effectiveness: their parents are at first perplexed, then shaken, they change color, they hesitate, but, deep down, transparent for children who know it well, they have already made their decision, they are going to give in “for this time” by matching their defeat with demands in return, which will quickly be forgotten.
The beginning of the balance of power
Risk then of settling a subtle balance of power, totally unbalanced since the child, caught in his will to power, observes no reservehe has nothing to lose by leaving a threat that cannot be neglected, he is perfectly aware of it, but he who wants the end does not shy away from any means, as long as it is a question of responding to an essential need, he has found an unstoppable weapon, it compensates for his lack of experience of life, it is also for this reason that he can so lightly consider leaving her, he does not know very well what she is made of, he hears adults complaining and, in the meantime, he has found the magical way to see his desires satisfied, he is creating an enchanted world for himself. He obviously has to make a slight effort, force his nature a little and ignore his sensitivity to brandish his threat without trembling and without then being tormented by late remorse, but the stakes are too high, his survival is at stake, he is entirely caught up in this game with the excessive aspect that characterizes him, he cannot go back. The notion of law has been erased from his mind, he ignores it, for him, it has lost all meaning.
He can even end up locking himself into this role of “terrorist” which sometimes overwhelms him, but how can he change his mind? He is trapped by his passionate vehemence and he also knows the pleasure, quickly vanished, of having prevailed in the dispute which opposed him to his parentsimages of authority, thanks to a safe technique.
Despite everything, he clearly sees that his parents are beginning to put this scenario into perspective, he furtively thinks that he could initiate a semblance of taking action to maintain his credibility, without knowing very well how to make this threat a reality, without too much risk, which is ultimately still theoretical in his mind. A false, precarious balance is established, always ready to collapse, but “we don’t know
never” the threat looms, it is impossible to ignore it, its execution would create a shock from which it is impossible to recover, so, we might as well give in to a whim, by combining this defeat with a reminder, entirely theoretical, of the law. The all-powerful teenager excels in this skewed balance of power.
Advice : try to quickly prevent such a harmful balance of power from taking hold by instilling from the start the imperative notion of law and the primacy of parental decisions. Negotiation has a perverse aspect by opening the door to excess.
