Mental load, perfectionism, fear of never doing enough… Worry affects women more, and not by chance. Jean-Louis Abrassart, author of I worry too much published by Guy Trédaniel, deciphers the deep roots of this silent anxiety and offers concrete solutions to no longer suffer from it.
Women are statistically more affected by anxiety than men. Biology or social injunctions?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: We often talk about hormonal factors that make women more sensitive to stress and worry, but for me, social injunctions clearly weigh very heavily. Women are still often asked to be everything at the same time: efficient at work, present for those close to them, attentive to others, organized, available… while being available and smiling. A woman has to fight a lot more. Greater social pressure, more mental load than for men.
And the traditional education of girls which has contributed a lot to this. Added to this is the concern about men’s views, their reactions to their success, and more generally even, to their behavior and appearance. All this means that women are more likely to question themselves, to doubt, to question themselves. It’s not necessarily that women are more affected by anxiety… but that they are more exposed to situations that fuel worry.
Perfectionism and professional efficiency often go hand in hand in women. How to escape the trap of worry without losing what makes them strong?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: Wanting to do well is a strength until it becomes a permanent internal pressure. I have noticed that many women develop high demands on themselves. This makes them efficient, reliable, committed… and this is an essential factor in their success.
But this requirement can easily turn into worry: fear of not doing enough, of not being up to the task, of disappointing. Getting out of the trap does not mean renouncing this requirement, it means differentiating and regulating. Make the difference between aiming for quality and wanting to do everything perfectly, between doing your best and never feeling enough. Maintain what gives strength: seriousness and involvement; and release what fuels worry: the need for validation, the apprehension of error. Sustainable performance is not about always doing more, it is about knowing what is necessary.
When does constant concern for others – children, team, partner – become a sign that we are forgetting ourselves?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: It’s easy to spot, it’s when it no longer brings satisfaction but is exhausting. Caring about others is a strength, it nourishes relationships, strengthens bonds. This becomes a problem when caring for others is no longer a choice but an automatic response, often guided by worry: wanting everything to go well, avoiding conflicts, anticipating needs.
So we constantly anticipate, we take charge in place of others, we organize, we carry… sometimes even before we are asked. As if everything depended only on us. And we no longer agree on what is good for us. At that moment we are no longer just concerned about the other, we are in control. We don’t forget ourselves because we give too much, but because we can’t let go.
This inner voice that constantly says that it is ” never good enough“How can I make her less tyrannical?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: It’s never good enough, a major worry booster. This is what I call in my book these inner voices which become tyrannical when we take them for truth. The first step is the reflex to distance yourself: to say to yourself “ It’s not me, it’s a judgment “. This may seem simplistic but it is essential. As long as we merge with this voice, it constrains us. Then it’s a matter of questioning it: What am I objectively basing on to say this?
Is this sentence really good for me? We often realize that it is disproportionate, even unfair. Finally, we can question ourselves more deeply: redefining what “ sufficient » means for oneself. Stop chasing an unattainable and exhausting ideal, to return to something fairer, more human, and which will guarantee long-term effectiveness.
For an active woman who cannot disconnect, what are the first emergency measures against infobesity?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: The challenge of infobesity is to regain control over what we let in. When I talk about digital hygiene, it’s not exposure that’s the problem, it’s not regulating. The question is: is everything you’re looking at worth your attention?
So first reduce unnecessary noise: cut off non-essential notifications, limit information channels to a few quality ones, decide when you check your messages instead of reacting to them continuously. And we can install micro-breaks to avoid overload: 1 to 2 minutes without a screen between two tasks, a deep breath before opening an email.
And finally, give yourself clear limits at key times: in the morning, delay checking your emails; in the evening, don’t scroll after a certain time. The idea is to avoid being constantly in reaction.
How can we distinguish the worry that protects from that which paralyzes, especially when the professional stakes are high?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: The difference is not in the intensity of the worry but in what it produces. A useful concern remains linked to reality, it starts from a clear signal, focuses on a precise point and aims to lead to action. Conversely, a paralyzing worry no longer only considers the concrete situation, it overinterprets, considers all possible scenarios, favors negative outcomes. Hence the question we can ask ourselves: Does my worry help me to act or does it keep me away from action?
We can also remember that whatever we decide, whatever we do, we can reduce uncertainty but never eliminate it. Useful worry focuses on what is within our reach, paralyzing worry seeks to master what is not.
What is the simplest exercise you would recommend to an overwhelmed woman who doesn’t “have no time » to take care of her?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: First return to the body, then an exercise in writing by hand, not on the keyboard. I emphasize one point in my book: when we are overwhelmed we must “ get out of his head “. Concretely take 3 deep breaths: 4 times to inhale, 1 time to pause with your lungs full, 6 times to exhale. Then a pen, a piece of paper and 3 minutes, no more, to write down everything that concerns you.
Now look at what you wrote: What depends on you now? What can be planned? What is not up to you? This writing exercise is not an organizational tool, it is a mental desaturation tool. What weighs is not necessarily all that we have to do, it is to keep everything in mind.
You advocate “ make peace » with his worry rather than getting rid of it. Isn’t this asking women to accept suffering?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: No, it’s even the opposite. Asking women to get rid of their worries would be imposing one more demand on them. Especially in demanding contexts where they must already perform well, where they are asked not to show fragility. Should they, in addition, be serene in all circumstances? In I worry too much, I defend the idea that concern is legitimate, even more, that it is fruitful. The problem is not feeling it, it’s letting it overwhelm us or believing we shouldn’t feel it.
In demanding professional environments, with multiple responsibilities, it is normal to be under tension and to worry. Making peace with your worry is not about enduring it, it’s about understanding it, knowing how to contain it and deciding what to do with it for greater efficiency, clarity and ethics.
This book was born from a conversation with your daughter. What did she teach you about how young women experience anxiety today?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: Yes, we worked together on this book with my thirty-year-old daughter, a business consultant. What emerged from our discussions was how great the worry is among young people, and how silent and permanent it is. This gave me the feeling that young people live under constant pressure, that they are afraid of not making the right choices, and above all, unlike my generation, that they are afraid of not moving forward fast enough. And for a young woman the difficulty of “ succeed » all at the same time, progress in work, establish a relationship, start a family.
Everything jostles in a sort of urgency and generates constant self-demand. As if the acceleration of society and, paradoxically, the multiplication of possibilities gave less room for hesitation and groping, no longer allowed “ hurry slowly “.
What do we actually start with, tomorrow morning, to no longer be dominated by worry?
Jean-Louis Abrassart: Three simple actions to prepare yourself to better manage your anxiety: one for digital hygiene, one for the body, one for the mind. First of all, don’t open your phone as soon as you wake up, only open it after the 3 gestures. Secondly, establish calm with a breathing exercise: 5 minutes to exhale in the 5-5 rhythm, fluidly chain 5 counts to inhale, 5 counts to exhale. Third, a point of mental clarity with a simple question to ask yourself: What is important today? What is urgent?
Worry rushes into the vagueness and the important that we leave aside in favor of what seems urgent. And determine 1 to 3 priorities, no more. These three actions are simple but they change the dynamic of the day. The point is not to eliminate worry but to not let it rule our lives. This is the central theme of my book.
