At a certain point, within my crooked life, God appeared. Since then I have prayed daily. The problem is that God appeared while I was complicit in something bad that I couldn’t resist. How is this possible? Then, while these things were happening, I initially begged God to let me die instead of the many I saw in the newspapers. Is it a sin to wish to die?
Paul
God does not wait for us to become perfect to meet us. On the contrary, it often enters our lives precisely when we are most hurt, confused, or even complicit in evil. It happened to Peter, who had denied Jesus; to Paul, who persecuted Christians; to the good thief, who met Christ on the cross. His presence does not justify evil, but is the beginning of liberation from that evil. It may be that at that moment your faith was not strong enough to make you oppose that “something bad” you speak of. Faith is a journey that never ends, it doesn’t happen all at once. It grows, slows down, stops, at most retreats. But the Spirit always pushes her forward. As for the desire to die, if that desire expressed desperation, entrust it to the Lord without fear. He doesn’t want you dead, but alive. He looked for you right in your darkness so that you can finally walk in his light. Your story does not end with the evil you have seen or suffered: with God it can always begin again.
